Kunoification
by Ozzallos
Summary: Nabiki stumbles across one of the biggest secrets at Furikan to date. My attempt to make a serious Kuno.RanmaChan without resorting to amnesia, drugs, curse locks, etc. Cut me some slack already, I make GOOD fics!
1. Prologue

**Kunoification**  
_By Ozzallos_

**Prologue**

"Ah, my vibrant Pigtailed Goddess! To what do I owe thy honor of your divine and radiant presence?"

Ranma, Akane and Nabiki stopped and turned around. Nabiki withheld her chuckle in deference to a poker face while Akane growled and Ranma simply sighed. "School, maybe?"

"Indeed, for it is a necessary evil, but I suspect that the true reason is so that you may bask in the glow of my noble presence." Kuno suffused in a manner that was entirely too full of himself.

Nabiki almost felt sorry for Ranma, who had managed to get splashed on the way to school. Normally they would have made a pit stop at Doctor Tofu's, but they were already too close to school to even consider the walk back. 'Almost' was the operative word in this equation, however, as Nabiki happily collected the morning wagers. Those consisted of not whether Ranma would win the inevitable fight against the deranged kendo practitioner, but how long it would take for Saotome's patience to expire and how far Ranma's can of whoop ass would send Kuno across the schoolyard.

"Back off, Kuno. Not in the mood." There was no room for interpretation contained within Ranma's ultimatum, but if you were an eighteen-year-old kendoist with a tendency to hold reality at arms length, there was plenty of space to read between the lines.

"The wretched Saotome's magics are indeed potent!" Tatewaki huffed indignantly. "Very well! I shall date thee and purge you of his fowl influence!" From that moment on, things happened like clockwork. Kuno lunged for a glomp, only to be intercepted by Ranma's foot, which catapulted the upperclassman across the schoolyard. Nabiki nodded to one of her lackeys and a girl ran out with a tap measure, marking the distance from liftoff to touchdown.

"Honestly, Ranma…" Akane rolled her eyes and Ranma shrugged. Nabiki began to dole out money to the winners, yet something tugged at her thoughts. Something was missing. She looked up from the stack of money she had collect and over to Ranma and Akane, who were now walking off to class unmolested.

It was a textbook Ranma-Kuno engagement, so why is my brain ticking over like there's something wrong? Nabiki wondered, finishing her transactions. Then it clicked. It _was_ a textbook Ranma-Kuno engagement… _If Ranma had been a boy at the time._ Ranma's actions were Standard Kuno Response Package 'B'—Remove Kuno from the general vicinity in the least amount of time possible. Response Package 'A' was normally reserved for him as a boy; toying with Kuno a bit _before_ removing him from the general vicinity. But Kuno… Kuno was missing something. Something that could affect her financial future.

"What's wrong, boss?" Seiya stepped up to her employer, noticing the look of intense concentration. It reminded her of a calculator crunching numbers.

"Notice anything unusual about the fight?" Seiya shook her head. "Akane. He didn't favor Akane once during the entire exchange."

The girl blinked, replaying the incident in her mind. "You're right… Not one word."

Nabiki contemplated the ramifications and decided that it was probably the single biggest event for Furikan behind Ranma actually choosing a fiancée. Kuno? Settle on one girl? And Ranma no less? The middle Tendo savored the irony and sprung into action. "Seiya, I want his schedule for the next week. The more specifics you dig up, the bigger your bonus." The long haired brunette nodded enthusiastically.

"And keep this _quiet_."

* * *

"The Park at Seven."

Nabiki stared at the note for probably the hundredth time since Seiya had dug up the information two days ago. Their search had turned up remarkably little information, save the time, date and location she now held in her hand. Her associates bonus hadn't necessarily been a large one, but had been sizable enough to ensure her continued silence. Normally the Ice Queen would have contracted one of her helpers for stakeout work, but this was priority stuff. You don't trust priority stuff to henchmen… or hench_women_, for that matter.

So where was he? Nabiki squinted in the diminishing light that was the dusk sky. The days were getting longer and the park was popular in the evenings, which meant she had some work ahead of her. Or maybe not, she thought as her searching eyes locked onto a shadowy figure. No mistaking that profile. But there was somebody with him? Definitely female, but there wasn't enough contrast between her form and Kuno's to get an ID. The middle Tendo skirted the edge of the park now, determined to attract as little attention as possible while getting close enough to find out who this woman was that Kuno was apparently familiar with, and what- if anything –she had to do with Akane and Ranma.

Nabiki crept behind a nearby bush and palmed the recorder in her pocket. The two remained silent for a moment, evidentially simply content to enjoy the other's presence. That's okay. The Tendo was patient. Not that she had long to wait.

"The movies tonight, my Goddess?" Nabiki smirked. Typical Kuno. The girl's reply, however, drove a wooden stake straight through the Ice Queen's brain and destroyed reality as she knew it. Turned it upside down. Shook it sideways. Then ate it for lunch.

"Nah, let's just walk around for a bit, Tachi." It wasn't that there was anything offensive in her reply, it was just… Impossible. She recognized that voice. Its characteristic lilt. They were words that should have never been uttered by that voice. Nabiki had to be certain, and tailed them as they walked slowly through the park as lovebirds were wont to do. She shivered. Just not these two particular lovebirds. Finally, they had progressed to a better lit area of the park and Nabiki's suspicions were confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt. A slight gasp escaped her lips, enough to earn the attention of Tatewaki Kuno and his date. Red hair. Blue eyes. A full head shorter…

Ranma Saotome.

Tatewaki's face took on a perturbed expression and Ranma's turned similarly bland. "Don't you have something better to do, Nabs?"

The middle sister recovered from her shock quickly. There was, of course, a logical explanation to this. With that thought firmly fixed in her mind, she took on her characteristic mercenary smirk. The situation was obvious now. Ranma wanted something from Kuno. A cure. A map to a cure. Something _big_. Big enough for him to cozy up to the upperclassman using her female form. And she was playing the part too, with his unbound hair and feminine blouse/dress combination. Even jewelry. "This is _so_ going to cost you Saotome."

Kuno dug his wallet out of the casual jacket he wore and Nabiki absently noticed that he cleaned up fairly nice when he wasn't running around in his kendoist idiot mode. Slacks. A nice button down shirt. It was almost enough to make her reconsider her opinions of him… If he wasn't already patently insane. Nabiki was about ready to name the amount when the redhead's hand reached out, gently blocking Kuno's progress. He eyed her with an arched eyebrow.

"Not tonight, Tachi."

Kuno was only slightly surprised. Nabiki was even more surprised. They had all played this game enough times. Money bought Nabiki's silence. No money, no silence. And if the rumor ever spread that Ranma was going out with Tatewaki…

He seemed to comprehend the dynamic as well. "Are you sure? It's only a minor inconvenience."

Of course it was, Nabiki thought. He could _burn_ thousand yen bills and it'd still be only a minor inconvenience, if that. Granted, she _could_ charge more, but there was a fine line to be walked between public servant and public enemy. Still, the fact that it was Ranma blocking the natural order of things was...

"You _do_ realize what would happen if news of your little date here got out…?" Ranma shrugged and Nabiki nearly staggered.

"You're going to tell them I'm going on a date with Kuno?" Nabiki nodded, trying to look all business despite the uncertain footing she was on. "And who would believe you again?" Nabiki pulled out a disposable camera from her purse and snapped a picture, to which Ranma sighed. "Right."

"You're refusal doubled the amount, Saotome." Kuno simply watched the pair debate. "You might want to let your boy toy pay up." The calculated sting her words were designed to invoke never hit home.

"Double of nuthin' is still nuthin', Nabs."

Nabiki did a mental double-take. What the hell was going on here? Ranma should be defending his masculinity to the hilt and using Kuno's blind spot concerning the pigtailed girl to do it, yet neither was happening. Time to break out the big guns. "What would your father say if he found out?"

"I believe you already threatened that, Miss Tendo." Kuno pointed out with a hint of amusement. Those words did more to turn Nabiki's gut to ice than any anomaly in Ranma's attitude. They hinted at something that should have been absolutely impossible. More impossible than finding Ranma here tonight.

"You _know?"_

It was Kuno's turn to smirk. "Of course, Miss Tendo. I'd have to be insane not to."

This comment earned him an elbow to the ribs courtesy of the smaller redhead. "You still are."

The upperclassman sniffed with amusement. "Quite possibly. But suffice to say, yes I do know."

"But if you know…" Nabiki's head began to spin as the ramifications landed on her like a ton of bricks. "And Ranma is a girl…"

Ranma leaned into Kuno a bit and looked up at him "I think she's getting it."

"Verily." He agreed.

She shook her head as if to clear it… "You… And Kuno… An _item?_" One really couldn't blame the incredulity seeping into her voice. After all, Nabiki Tendo had started this week going after the second biggest story in Furikan High. Now she had both the first _and_ second right here in front of her. Screw the blackmail; the amount of money this information could be sold for would be insane by itself! She checked the tape player on reflex, ensuring it was still running. Good. Nabiki blinked and the recorder was gone from her grasp. "Hey!"

Ranma tossed the offending device into the air and obliterated with a tiny ki blast that shot from her fingers like a pistol. Sparkles rained down in contrast to the darker evening sky. "Oops?"

"Oops?" She squealed, then glared at the diminutive redhead. "That was a top of the line DAT recorder! I hope you realize that how much you owe me just jumped. Big time!" Ranma simply gave her a bored look and it took her a moment to figure out why. Oh yeah, she thought with dark irony. Her boyfriend is Mister Money Bags. _Her boyfriend_. Nabiki kicked the thought around in her head. That was just so many ways to wrong it wasn't even funny.

"I believe we should leaveth Miss Tendo to her conundrum." Kuno commented and began to pull a smirking Ranma away from the girl.

"Indeedth." She quipped with amusement and followed his lead.

Nabiki stood there in muted shock as they walked away before finally regaining her composure. "WAIT!" The couple paused. "Okay, you win! But I have to know!"

Kuno seemed to consider this before looking to Ranma. "It is your date night, Ra-chan. It is up to thee."

Ranma pursed her lips, trying to decide if they should even waste the time. "Hell, why not? Otherwise she'll be stalking us all night long. But over something to eat. I'm starved."

* * *

"So for how long…?"

Kuno had picked a nice seafood place by the river. While he could have gone more expensive as he usually did on their dates, he recognized the delicate balance between Ranma's hunger and her patience. Besides, he had learned a while ago that she didn't necessarily care for such niceties. He did, however, and made it a point to take her to the finer establishments. He looked at Ranma, who was greedily sucking down some breaded shrimp. "Three months?"

Ranma nodded and finished off another shrimp. "Sounds about right."

"You're like this after only _three months_?" Nabiki fought hard to keep her cool. Manly man Ranma Saotome in a blouse, makeup and jewelry in three months? The sister really began berating herself for having missed the boat so badly.

"No, no, of course not." Ranma returned, pausing in her mass calorie intake. "'Cides, it's date night."

Kuno answered the obvious look of confusion plastered on Nabiki's face. "She only partakes of the finer raiments when we go out. As for our relationship, it commenced approximately one year whence."

"But only got serious three months ago." The redhead clarified.

Nabiki nibbled at the plate of shrimp Alfredo pasta she had ordered. The whole situation was just… Alien. "But _how_… Even better, _Why!"_

"If Tachi here didn't already have gobs of money, I'd be chargin' ya for that info." Ranma sniffed, again clearly amused.

"Perhapse you still should." Kuno commented with a smile. Come to think of it, Nabiki never recalled seeing a real smile on his face. A maniacal insane grin that indicated nobody was home upstairs, yes. But a genuine smile? Uh-uh.

"Nah." Ranma waved the suggestion away. "'Cides, you know what I think of money."

"Indeed, my fiery Goddess." Kuno smiled warmly "It is one of your nobler traits. So where would Miss Tendo like us to start?"

Nabiki barely suppressed a shiver. "Uh, I guess the beginning?"

* * *

**Author's Notes:** How to get Kuno and Ranma-chan together without the use of drugs, koi rods, mind altering magic, bumps on the head, locking Ranma as a girl from the very beginning, pressure points and any other similarly used plot device…? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is the challenge. Your first question might be "Exactly why are you taking time away from Ah! My Ranma ½ and The Best of Times, Ozz?" Well there's a perfectly good explanation for that. 

Ferrets stole my brain.

It's the honest to God's truth. That, and I've had this itch to do it for some time, partly because there are so few out there to begin with. **TriMatter**, on the other hand keep his safe in tubberware. Brains, not ferrets.

_Special Thanks_ to **TriMatter**, as the brainstorming we came up with has really resulted in a better fic.


	2. Chapter One

**Kunoification**  
_By Ozzallos_

**Chapter One**

_Eleven Months Ago…_

How do you define a typical day for Ranma Saotome, heir to the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts? For most people, a typical day would not involve copious amounts of property damage, life and death duels with rivals and dodging fiancées as if they were bullets. The analogy between fiancées and bullets was more accurate than most people realized, as both would just as soon kill Ranma Saotome even as they tried to marry him.

The fiancées, that is. Not the bullets.

There was one girl in Ranma's complicated life that wasn't exactly chomping at the bit for a marriage certificate, and that was Akane Tendo. Like the pigtailed boy, she had been forced into the same arrangement by her well meaning, but ultimately self-centered father. It wasn't exactly a surprise that every time she heard the words "join the schools", it was like a tiny dagger to the back. No, let's make that a short sword to the back. Sometimes a claymore, depending on the day and the stupidity of the scheme being employed for the couples' own well being. The wedding party disaster just happened to be a +5 Black Heart Avenger to the back, a broadsword used in the Feyrun-Orgrimar Campaigns with the insidious reputation of sucking the very life-essence out of its victim. Thankfully, Akane had rolled successfully against the save versus breakup and their relationship survived. Mostly. There were days when both Ranma and Akane could see the light at the end of the tunnel and that maybe, _just maybe,_ they could dispense with all the idiocy and chaos once and for all.

Today was not one of those days.

"Prepare to die, Ranma!" This was rapidly becoming the standard greeting throughout Nerima, as it had been heard so often that its residence had since adopted it as their own. Of course, it was more often than not the chosen greeting of a certain bandanna'd martial artist with unique propensity for becoming lost in the most unlikely of situations. Unique, as in most people tend not to get lost in the bathroom. Or the hallway closet. And those who do usually don't find themselves in India moments later. Ryoga Hibiki, however, was just good like that. And like the lottery or some other random game of chance, Ryoga would occasionally find himself back in Nerima, normally just long enough to say 'hi' to Akane, have a few snacks and blame his entire, miserable existence on the pigtailed boy. Indeed, he had managed to complete his first two objectives quite handily, and now it was time for the third out of the way, if only for tradition's sake.

"I've seen Hell because of you!"

…Which was an interesting statement to make, since the majority of people who have actually seen hell usually did so in a dead-as-a-doornail capacity. Not Ryoga, though. Oh no. Again, one might think that it was an exaggeration that the Hibiki had actually seen hell. You know, a play on words or some other amusing punch line. Again, they would be sadly mistaken. The lost boy had actually _seen_ hell. Had the postcard to prove it. Signed by the dark lord himself, in fact, with the tag line, "Wish you were here!"

Ah, the irony.

"Get lost, P-chan!" Ranma growled in annoyance as his lunch was interrupted. It was something you learned upon casual association with the best martial artist in Japan… never come between a Saotome and his food. The two engaged in the usual pre-brawl witty banter, which invariably drew Akane into the conflict as well. It was somewhat of a mystery that. She was Ranma's fiancée. Ryoga was a nice boy. And somehow, any argument that the two engaged in invariably resulted in her coming down on the side of the nice boy instead of the person she was likely to spend the rest of her life with. It was an issue that ticked Ranma off to no end. It was also a good thing that Alkari consumed a good portion of Ryoga's time these days, regulating their brawls to something more in keeping with tradition than anything else. That, and Ranma just had to die.

"Honestly, Ranma! Why do you two always fight?" Akane protested indignantly, words which would initiate a cataclysmic series of events normally associated with that of a collapsing star into a black hole, from which no sanity can escape. This Nermian black hole had a tendency to suck in any matter within the immediate vicinity, including, but not limited to other rivals and fiancées. And everybody knows what's at the heart of a black hole…

Chaos.

Also at the heart of this mass of chaos was pressure. Pressure that affected the lives of everybody caught within its influence and that that pressure was especially great for Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo. Without this chaos, it was conceivable that these two may have already been married. At very least openly affectionate toward one another. But throw in two parents, one uninhibited Chinese Amazon, another overbearing childhood friend turned fiancée, followed by a psychotic stalker gymnast and you had the ingredients for a grade 'A' disaster. As if the total lack of privacy, rivals and routine Invasion of the Akane Snatchers weren't enough.

Not that it was simply everybody else's fault that Ranma and Akane simply couldn't get it together. No, they had their own issues. Akane was stubborn and naturally untrustworthy, having been scarred by a death and the activities of the hentai horde of Furikan. This produced an ever present simmering cauldron of malcontent which spilled all too easily onto the men in her life. Ranma was also a project. The martial arts training since the age of five years old wasn't a large contributing factor in and of itself, but martial arts training at the hands of _his father_ was. By his hand, Ranma had developed the social skills of a rock and a stubborn streak that dwarfed Akane's tenfold. Simply put, he could be a serious ass at times. That, and it never helped to have a water based, gender changing curse. Both Tendo girl and Saotome boy were intrinsically good people, they just desperately need to dump the matter-anti matter baggage they toted through life.

That particular day ended rather predictably. Ranma got glomped on, then proceeded to stick his foot in his own mouth with an ill-advised comment concerning his fiancées, which prompted the descriptive "jackass". Therefore it came as no surprise when an uppercut was applied to the martial artist's chin that would have made any number of Street Fighter cast proud. Ranma disappeared into a patented spiral and leveled out a mere three hundred feet before beginning a decent that deposited him squarely into a body of water under the management of a certain turtle.

_Mister_ turtle, that is.

* * *

"While I am honored that you have come to profess your love to me, I must caution you around my sister's pet." Kuno led the redhead into his mansion, having provided her with a towel. "Fortunately, you are a nimble as you are beautiful!"

Ranma shook her head. Deranged idiot. "Look Kuno. I'm not here for a date, so get yer hands off of me."

Kuno nodded, his face hardening. "I see that Saotome's magics still hold considerable sway! So be it, I shall smite him next I see thee!"

"Alright, that's it. I'm gone." Ranma threw the towel off and began to head toward the door… And promptly got lost in the huge mansion. "Dammit, show me the door before a blast my way out!"

"Why would thou wish to leave my most noble presence?" He asked, totally oblivious as to the stress he was causing.

"Why? WHY?" Ranma's temper spiraled out of control. Few would have believed what Ranma kept bottled inside for the sake of everybody around him. She was sick of fiancées. She was sick of meddling parents. She was sick of rivals. She was sick of Evil Villains. Hell, he was getting sick of fighting in general. And the crap just kept piling higher and higher and higher. Ranma needed an outlet at that very moment, an outlet he could safely expend all her venom on without fear as to who's feelings she would destroy in the process..

Needless to say, Tatewaki Kuno was a convenient target.

"Because you're like everybody else, that's why!" The redhead exploded in a fury eclipsed Akane's by several magnitudes. "Can't I have just one moment of peace without somebody trying to marry me or fight me? Is that too much to ask? I don't want a date and I don't want to get married… TO ANYBODY!" The kendoist looked as if he were about to interject and she cut him off hard. "And YOU! You and your damn sister are the worst of the bunch! 'Pigtailed' this and 'goddess' that! Get it through you thick skull that there is no 'foul sorceror'! He doesn't even enter into the picture!" Ranma ran out of breath and gulped down another, her fury in fine form. "GODDAMMIT! WHY CAN'T ANYBODY JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE?"

Kuno stepped back, his eyes widening in shock. "I… I see."

"No you don't! You never see! Nobody does! I'm engaged to three separate people for a total of five who won't take 'no' for an answer! Probably more, knowing ol' Pops." The anger began to spin down as an empty feeling took its place. "Dammit, I just want some peace."

Tatewaki stared at the object of his affections for a moment, then his chest puffed out. "Then that you shall have, my pigtailed Goddess!" Her head snapped up, eying Kuno dangerously. "My doors are open to you, day or night. I shall provide you with a key as such."

"I said I don't want no date, baka!" Ranma growled as she began to rapidly move into the physical harm phase of her frustration.

"Nor shall this arrangement be one." The upperclassmen clarified in a statesman like manner. "It hath become clear to me that an active woman such as thyself needs a place of peace, an honor that would be mine to provide thee."

Ranma's eyes narrowed on the kendoist as he had just accurately pushed the one hot button that would give her pause in this situation. "Peace and quiet?"

"If that is your desire, it shall be yours."

Ranma chewed on the idea some more. No. There's no possible way it could work. But then… Nobody would _ever_ looked for her here. And even if he had to be a girl to do it, a moment to herself was worth its weight in gold at this point. No, still wouldn't work. After all, there was exactly one fatal flaw in such a lofty daydream… Kuno. Or Kunos, rather. Ah well. It was a nice idea while it lasted. Regardless, her next words would have to be carefully spoken. After all, saying 'no' to a Kuno outright was like pouring gasoline on their delusional pyres.

"Ok, I'll stay….BUT," Ranma tacked on the conditional before Kuno gush enthusiastically concerning his good fortune. "If you so much as hang on me or ask me out on a date, I'm gone. I ain't your girl friend, so don't go saying I am one. And keep that sister of yours away from me." There, Ranma smiled inwardly. There's no way he could possibly keep all those promi—

"Done." Kuno confirmed solemly, causing Ranma to blink furiously.

"What?" He… He agreed!

"I see now that it is not merely the Evil Saotome plaguing thee, but they obligations of thy family." Kuno gained a thoughtful look through the explanation. "Indeed, it is something I have much experience with. That, and I shall not have such a dishonor visit my name by driving you back into the Saotome's bed."

"You say another word about Saotome or Sorcerer again, and I'm goner than gone." Ranma growled.

"Verily, they hath cause enough stress. I shalln't cause any more by speaking of them." The upper class man acquiesced, mollifying Ranma somewhat.

"Then what about—"

"_OOOOHH HohohohohoHO!_" The sound turned Ranma's veins to ice. No. No WAY could she deal with that woman right now. "I see my brother has finally ensnared another woman with his charms, and so fortunate it should be you!"

Kodachi looked entirely too smug. "He ain't ensnared nothin'!"

"I shall allow this arrangement, brother, as it suits my purposes grandly." Now Ranma stared at her in shock. Kuno, with his intimate knowledge of how his sister operated, stood by warily. "While your choice in women leaves something to be desired, it does leave the Stallion Ranma all to myself! OH HOHOHohohohOOHO!" The black haired girl's ever present gymnastics ribbon snapped out and Ranma's hand moved to intercept it, instead catching a solid object between her fingers. A key? "Do not journey into the east wing pigtailed one, or it could mean your life!" With that final warning, the gymnast spun around and erupted into a flurry of black rose pedals, vanishing from sight.

Ranma stared at the key, then Kuno himself, unsure as to whether she should be happy to have Kodachi out of her hair or steamed that she was just mistaken as Kuno's girlfriend.

* * *

"So who else knows?" Nabiki questioned the couple before Kuno could hand the telling off to Ranma.

Ranma shrugged. "Ko-chan... I think Kasumi suspects."

"Ko-chan?" Nabiki cocked her head and Ranma slightly, but refused to drop any hints. "Ko-chan, Ko-chan, KODACHI!" She about choked on the drink she had been nursing. Ranma's smile widened. "You actually became friends with _her?_ How many times has she tried to drug you?"

"More times than I can count." Ranma stated without hostility. "But once she no longer saw me as competition it just happened over time. Definitely not over night, mind you. I retained peasant status with her for quite some time after that in her eyes."

The middle sister rubbed her temples as if to ward off a headache. Her world was changing so quickly it boggled the mind. "How could I have not seen it coming?"

"Aw, don't beat yourself up too badly." Ranma sympathized. "If I don't wanna be followed by your people, I ain't gonna be followed. As for Tachi here…"

"…I know many of your associates on a first name basis, Miss Tendo." Kuno let a slight smile of his own lips. "Money buys silence as well as information, a fact I am sure you are well acquainted with."

"You've been buying my people off?" It wasn't that outlandish a concept, but…but...

"A trivial task with my financial reserves." Kuno confirmed and the fact deflated Nabiki visibly. She had been played, and it was a numbing realization.

"When did he get so… so calculated?'" She turned to Ranma, who chuckled in turn.

"Since we started hangin' out to together, of course." The redhead replied, to which Kuno agreed. "I ain't the most well-read person in the world or Kuno the sanest, but we kinda balance each other out."

"Well, you are one of the more sane people I've met, Saotome, even if your life is totally _insane_." Ranma and Kuno stared at Nabiki. "What, aren't I allowed to compliment somebody occasionally?"

"Not without charging 'em." Ranma commented dryly.

Nabiki let the remark slide. "Fine then, I'll put it on your tab. Happy?"

"Better." Kuno replied, and the trio ordered drinks as Ranma continued the story.

* * *

There were many events that bore a close resemblance to The Second Wedding, namely those associated with The Second Impact, giant mecha and mass destruction. While no Angels came into play during the second attempt to wed Ranma and Akane, fiancées and rivals did. How did such a joyous occasion result in eight square blocks of ruined Nermian suburb? The answer is quite simple… 

Parents.

Well, one parent actually. The likely suspects were Soun Tendo and Genma Saotome, whose incessant interference into their children's lives usually did more to push the couple apart than bring them closer. This time around, however, there was a God in heaven and he blessed them with a clue. Sure, they were still the catalyst for the events, but once they began to take shape, they did what many believed to be impossible… They backed off, giving Akane and Ranma some much needed space. Even Nabiki learned from the last time around, though her lesson was more one focusing on profit vs. property damage. She had meddled the last time for personal gain and it blew up in her face spectacularly. Sure, the initial monetary gains were outstanding… Until she began running up the damage tally. With the dojo solidly in the red, Nabiki was found kicking herself for nearly a month afterwards.

The fiancées had been quiet too, at least at first. Ranma had made the rounds and 'settled up' weeks before the event. The Amazon contingent wasn't pleased, but then there wasn't anything they could really do about it. While Cologne had been the most cunning person he'd ever met, she was also logical to the point of ruthlessness and held no illusions as to what would happen if they forced Ranma "God-slayer" Saotome's hand. Shampoo hadn't been happy about it, but once she saw her great grandmother- the unflinching pillar –fold, she knew it was over. Regardless, Cologne was more than happy to petition Ranma to be a tribal ally, which he accepted with provisions to continue in the Amazon arts.

Ukyo was the easiest of the trio. She had known in her gut that this day had been a long time in coming, being one of the most rational fiancées in waiting for Ranma. It was was a tough evening when he made his rounds to her, but it was also a two-ton weight lifted off both their chests. The fact that Ranma vowed to repay her dowry also went along way toward thinning any bad blood that might have resulted. Steps had been taken via Nabiki to ensure that the Kuno's remained in the dark about the wedding. She'd been unwilling to perform the service at first until forcefully reminded that she owed not only her future brother in-law a wedding that she was in-part responsible for destroying, but her _sister_ as well. Thus "persuaded", she commended Operation Take-Out, ensuring that the Kuno's would be stuck home all day receiving food delivery from nearly every establishment in Nerima. That, and Nodoka's ever-present katana was always a healthy motivator to help out.

No, this time the tactical Nuclear weapon that would turn the second wedding into ground zero came from a most unexpected direction…

The guests were getting seated when Ranma and Akane were beckoned over by his mother. Behind her sat Soun and Genma, both with wide grins plastered across their face. No doubt, that had something to do with the large bottle of saki on the table. Still, Ranma noted they were behaving, so what the hell. Nodoka Saotome was positively beaming now that part of her dream was about to be realized. With any luck, the other part would be realized nine months from now. She considered the young couple thoughtfully. No, she wasn't about to leave such an important matter as her son's manliness and grandchildren to chance. If there was one thing she knew about her child and his betrothed, it was that they weren't at that point yet. They were friends. Almost good friends. But that spark wasn't there yet; the spark that would complete her dream of motherhood. But Nodoka knew how to ignite that spark and get exactly what she wanted in the process…

Competition.

"What's up, Mom?" Ranma smiled warmly at his mother. After all, there was nothing to fear from this particular parent. The seppuku contract had been fulfilled and he had been proclaimed a manly man, even as a woman. Ok, so sometimes she tried to engage him in girl training, but other than that, she was pretty harmless compared to the Old Man, who had been amazingly well behaved as of late. Even so, both Akane and Ranma eyed him warily. You just never knew…

"I would like to introduce you to somebody." She stated with a smile and both were curious now as a girl with long brown hair joined the trio. She was clothed in a blue and black ceremonial kimono, had deep brown eyes and a more than satisfactory figure, had Ranma been shopping around. Of course, hadn't been shopping around for the last three years. "This is Yumei Ikari." The three exchanged polite bows. Friend of the family? "She is to be your mistress, Son."

Anybody within nominal earshot either choked, fell face first into the floor or was forced to pick their jaws up off the ground in utter disbelief.

"M-M-M-_MISTRESS!"_ Anybody who hadn't heard the word before certainly hear it this time as Ranma gibbered wildly. Akane was now glowing a rosy shade of pink.

"Of course, Ranma." Nodoka Saotome explained, as if such events were perfectly natural. "I cannot expect _merely_ Akane to sate the manly urges of my son, so Miss Ikari and I have come to an arrangement." Yumei inclined her head slightly in agreement. Her cheeks weren't nearly as pink as Akane's and she held her eyes on the pigtailed suitor confidently. "Besides, you don't expect Akane to satisfy your needs when she is eight months pregnant and nursing, do you?"

"MOM!" The ruckus had gathered a small crowd now, including fiancées and friends. "What are you DOING!"

"RANMA? What the HELL is going ON!" Akane, who had managed a level of serenity previously unheard of, snapped violently. Ranma winced, then turned back to his mother and the girl.

"No way, Mom! This is crazy!" He stepped up to the pair and Ranma's mother retained her ineffable calm.

Nodoka waved the protest away with a flick of her hand. "Nonsense. I will not have my manly son wait for his wife to come around on his wedding night… Unless you plan on bedding with him tonight, daughter in-law?"

Logical thought was rapidly becoming a commodity in Akane Tendo's brain as the wedding pressures they were so desperate to avoid crashed down upon them from a totally unexpected angle. "HELL NO!" The background chatter began to pick up in volume as events spiraled desperately out of control

"Aiyaaah, Kitchen Destroyer not consummate marriage?"

"My Ran-chan _won't _have a cold bed tonight, Sugar."

"Ranma, you had _better_ not be breaking Akane's heart!"

Truth be told, Ranma and Akane were perfectly fine with this arrangement. Neither was quite ready to go "there" yet and both agreed that they would marry to satisfy honor first, where upon they could grow into their new lives naturally. Obviously, Mother had other ideas.

"Then it is settled." Nodoka decided with certainty. "Honor will be satisfied, the schools will be joined, Ranma will be able spend his wedding night properly and I'll have my grand babies."

"No! No! No! NO!" Ranma fumed now. "Ain't gonna happen!"

"NO WAY!" Akane was much further along on the rage curve than Ranma. "I'm not entering into such… such a PERVERTED marriage!"

Genma and Soun put their glasses down and stepped up beside Nodoka. They had been content to steer clear of Nodoka's plans, but now a threat loomed they could no longer ignore. "Boy, you will marry Akane!"

"Like hell I will!" Ranma snapped. "Not like that!" Soun tagged in at that moment.

"Akane, honor must be satisfied!" he stated firmly. "You will marry Ranma right this instant!"

"You're all crazy!" Akane bit back, and Nodoka's gaze hardened on them both.

"If you will not marry my son, then I will be forced to switch the engagement." She stated with an edge of steel in her voice. "Kasumi, Nabiki. Come here."

Her voice left very little room for negotiation and the two sisters hesitantly stepped forward. "MOM, YOU CAN'T DO THIS!" He looked from the parents, to Akane, who was now visibly glowing red with rage.

"Hush, child. This is for your own good." Nodoka rebuked, then turned to the sisters. "Which Tendo would like to step forward and claim my son's hand?"

Ranma looked at Akane and she back at him. In that single moment, through both anger and incredulity, they knew it. All hope for a normal life had just died in the shared space between them, and with it, something more. It was time to end it this farce. Ranma's mouth opened, but his final ultimatum was preempted.

"Aiyah! Engagement to kitchen destroyer off!" The bubbly Amazon bounded forward to claim her prize. "Now free to marry Shampoo!"

A combat spatula halted her advance as it bit into the ground in front of her. "If Ran-chan is getting married today, it's going to be to me!"

Two short swords whistled by Ranma's head and the martial aritist weaved to the side, as they cleaved the wedding cake in half. Fitting symbolism, Ranma thought as his world continued to crumble around him. "How dare you try to reclaim Shampoo, Saotome!" Another sword sprang from Mousse's white robe and the two engaged.

Ryoga took one look at the tears falling from Akane's eyes and his anger soared out of control. Ranma's life had hurt the person he now considered his sister _again_, and he broke free of Akari's grasp, determined to visit justice on the Saotome. "DAMN YOU, RANMA! Stop making her cry!"

And with that proclamation, the Second Wedding was crushed under a storm of ki, melee weaponry and best of intentions.

* * *

It was like any other day for Ranma Saotome, heir to the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts. It was a day full of property damage, rivals and fiancées; the latter two sparing no hesitation in chasing him around the quaint little suburb of Nerima in order to either marry him or kill him. He even had a mistress chasing him now, of all things. There was only one minor problem with this seemingly normal day, and that was that it was supposed to be far from normal.

It was supposed to have been his wedding day.

And _hers_, Ranma revised silently as he abandoned the street and fled into a side ally to bleed off pursuit. His mind was still numb with the fact that his mother—His very own mother!—had just thrown him to the wolves and destroyed EVERYTHING they had worked so hard to achieve in the name of her twister vision of manliness! Dammit! Why couldn't they just leave them alone? He had the fiancées locked down. The fathers were behaving themselves for once. Akane was _willing_. And who is the one that comes along and sabotages everything? Mom and her goddamn mistress! The martial artist turned another blind corner and leaped strait up, landing on the rooftop. More pursuers were suckered off and he was down to the Wrecking Crew core that continued to dog his trail.

They would take a bit more to lose, Ranma knew. This was a game every player was used to and after over two years of playing it, the one thing he could not afford to do was be caught by any one of them. First, to be caught by one was to be caught by _every_ one of them. But there was a second, more important reason to evade them… He was in serious doubt of his self control at the moment. In fact, he was certain that if confronted, somebody would get hurt. Possibly even one of the girls. Badly. He was staving off the crushing pressure of depression, but only barely. He needed time and privacy and if he didn't get either in sufficient quantities to sort himself out soon, the results would be… Catastrophic.

_SPalloooOOSh!_

Ranma barely noticed the transformation as she automatically adjusted her new body's center of gravity and balance. The cold water siphoned away a fraction of the depression-leadened haze her brain was operating in and a stray thought pierced the fog. _Kuno._ It had been roughly a month since he had made the offer, and she had never seriously thought about taking him up on it. Until today. Right now privacy and peace were worth more to the redheaded martial artist than her weight in gold. Nobody, but NOBODY would check _his_ house. She'd have to duck past the dojo to pick up the key, but if Kuno was good to his word... And if not, he'd be the first to suffer when she snapped.

Her course decided, Ranma initiated her father's forbidden technique and vanished.

* * *

"I hath already told thee that we did not order this food!" Tatewaki Kuno fumed at yet another delivery boy trying to collect money from him. His sister stepped up beside him in an elegant black ballroom dress strewn with embroidered roses.

"Do not insult us!" Kodachi snapped at the boy, who was now cringing. "We would not _touch_ any food not served by an establish not rated_ at least_ five stars, let alone _this_." Her disdain for the food in question was clearly evident. The door slammed and the boy thanked God that he had escaped unscathed.

Tatewaki shook his head as the pair trudged back into the heart of the mansion. "There is definite strangeness afoot today, little sister. I suspect evil forces have aligned against the House of Kuno!"

"Truly, Brother. I suspect it is the pigtailed harlot!" Kodachi nodded.

"Nay, it must be the foul sorcerer Saotome!" Tatewaki countered, and the two stopped short, glaring at one another.

"The Harlot!"

"The Sorcerer!"

"The Harlot!"

"The Sorcerer!"

Brother and Sister pressed toward one another, nose to nose. An electric spark danced violently between them as both refused to yield an inch from the respective, if deluded, positions. Sasuke shook his head as he watched from a concealed position. Well, they're going to have to know eventually… The diminutive ninja faded into view beside the siblings, who had yet to notice him.

"Ahem." Bother refused to back down from their staring contest, so he just told them from his kneeling position. "Master, you have a guest."

Tatewaki blinked, and found the kneeling ninja. "A guest? For I was just at the door, how is this so?" Kodachi was now smug with victory, yet she was curious as well.

"_She_ used the back door."

It only took the upperclassman a moment to realize the implication and his eyes lit up. "My Pigtailed Goddess!"

"She has come to gloat!" Kodachi's reaction was her brother's polar opposite.

"Where is thee maiden?" It was a legitimate question as the mansion was absolutely huge.

"Guest room twelve, Master Kuno." Then he paused. "She is… unwell."

Tatewaki was off like a shot down the hallway, his sister close behind for an entirely different reason. Intimately familiar with the mansion, they found guest room twelve easily. The kendoist's hand wrapped around the doorknob and hesitated. Sobbing could be heard through the door itself. He opened the door gently and there she was at the center of the lavishly furnished room on the main couch, curled into a ball and sobbing. The new draft created by the open door snapped her attention up and her tear strewn eyes locked onto the boy. He watched as their emptiness was quickly replaced by a towering inferno.

"GET OUT!" The redhead shriek, lunging for the nearest solid object not nailed down. "YOU PROMISED ME SOME DAMN PRIVACY! SO GET THE F&$& OUT! NOW! AAHHHHAARR!" Her grasp found the end table lamp and it went sailing. Tatewaki yanked the door closed just as the lamp shattered against the opposite side with a broken thud. Another followed closely after the first, causing the siblings to wince. The two looked at one another and there was a silence, followed by the renewal of sobbing moments later.

"Perhaps I shall let the harlot be for now." Kodachi arched an eyebrow at the spectacular display of rage.

"As I." Her brother agreed, then gained a thoughtful look. "Sasuke!"

The cat-faced ninja appeared beside Kuno as if teleported there. "Yes, Master?"

"Intercept any sustenance bearers before they reach the front door." He commanded. "Pay them a fair amount befitting a Kuno and send them on their way. I'll not have bickering or the incessant ringing of a doorbell disturb my Goddess in such a state."

"It shall be done, Master Kuno."

* * *

Ranma stepped into a sparsely appointed room, that, while obviously large and spacious was understated when compared to the rest of the house. It reminded Ranma of a dojo given the minimal distractions and soothing earth tones. An orchestral piece played in the background and Ranma found her vision settling on the boy at the room's center—Tatewaki Kuno, painting on a canvas, of all things. Kuno? Paints? The kendoist noticed a change and looked up to find the redhead watching him from the doorway.

Tatewaki Kuno gazed on the object of his a affections for a moment before noticing the details. Ranma's eyes were nearly as red as her hair, which stood to reason given the fact that she had been crying for the last two hour. Likewise, her clothing was complete disheveled, as if she had ran a marathon or enraged in some form of violent activity... Or both.

"Er...um... Sorry about the lamp." She began, shifting uncomfortably. Sure, this was Kuno and no, they weren't the best of friends, but that didn't give her any right to just chuck stuff around, Ranma figured, especially after having accepted his invitation. That, and the lamp hadn't been the only thing destroyed. Guest room twelve had some serious remodeling scheduled for it in the near future.

Tatewaki looked on a moment longer before speaking. "Verily, they are but possessions and compare naught to your well being." He paused once more to size up the redhead. "May I inquire thee as to what has so unsettled, my pigtailed Goddess?"

On any other day, that question would have earned the kendoist a sharp rebuke, if not a severe pounding. Today, however, was the worst days of Ranma's life. The battle with Saffron had come close, but he had helped Akane back from the abyss and won. Today, Ranma Saotome, heir to the Anything goes school of martial arts had _lost. _Three years of bitter rivalries, relationships and madness all for nothing as that unspoken truth passed silently between the bride and groom to be. They would never have peace or understanding, and each knew in that moment even a wedding wouldn't change things. They would always be at the mercy of their parent's manipulations. Now life as she had known it for so long had fallen apart, and the man who stood against the world didn't have a single shoulder to lean on or an ear to sympathize with.

...Not even her own mother.

"If it was the foul--" Kuno's grousing was interrupted as Ranma snapped back.

"_It wasn't Ranma, 'kay!_" Kuno simply nodded. "It was my damn parents! They ruined everything!"

"What did they do, pray tell?"

In that moment, Ranma totally forgot her current gender as the pain resurfaced in its entirety. "They tried to fix me up with a mistress! A damn MISTRESS if you can believe it! They ruined it for both Akane and me! Always interfering in every $& thing we do! I'm sick of it!"

Kuno bolted upright at this new tidbit of information. "Truly? They would force you to engage in unnatural relations with another? I would not suspect such madness would grip a family as throughly as it has my own!"

"Damn right!" Ranma continued heedlessly. "And Akane too! I swear they're absolutely determined to ruin our lives! I must have no less than three separate engagements because of my Pop, who won't give us a moment's peace. And that's not counting Akane's father always harpin' on her!" She thumped the plush chair with her fist. "And then my own MOTHER pulls this mistress crap on one of the most important days of my life!"

Kuno walked up to the redhead took her hand, grasping it within his. The only reason she didn't lay him out right then and there was that there was something more to it than his unstable desire. His own eyes spoke of something else... Understanding. "I know what thou art going through because I have been there many a time." He stated with seriousness. "All know the Kunos by our fearsome reputation, of course, but our family has suffered a great malady for generations."

Ranma noted his serious mask and couldn't help but to ask. "And what... 'Malady' is that?"

"Insanity!"

The redhead shot offered him a dry look. "You don't say."

"I ask your confidence in this delicate matter, my Goddess." Tatewaki continued with all the gravity of a black hole. "Would people find out about this hereditary condition, it might cause them to view the great House of Kuno in a manner of bias."

"Doubt it."

"Your confidence in our most noble family name is reassuring." Kuno nodded. "But be that as it may, I know what thou art suffering though. I must be ever on guard against my own father and sister and their petty scheming. More than once such interference has brought ruin to my own life."

For a moment, Ranma's own pain eased slightly as curiosity captured her. There was no doubt that the upperclassman's hold on reality was still tenuous at best, but there was also no doubt as to the fires he had been through, and they were most similar to the ones she was experiencing at that very moment. "How did you... Um, cope." Ranma almost kicked herself for asking such a silly question. Obviously he had gone mad. Even so, she wanted to hear the answer from his own lips, especially after a day like today. What he said probably wouldn't even matter... Just the fact that he was the sole ear in her life at the moment was what the important thing..

"Truly there are days all seems it seems hopeless." Kuno was looking at her, but not truly seeing her. His gaze bore through her and into the space beyond. "but then I remember my friends and loves of my life. Among the most important of those are thee and Akane Tendo."

The redhead's thoughts seemed to momentarily stumble. Akane and herself she could understand, even if neither had ever returned even the remotest sense of affection for the Kuno. Even that sent a slight pang of guilt through her. But Kuno didn't _have_ any friend. He had acquaintances at best, and that circle didn't realistically include Ranma or Akane regardless what his psychosis told him. Come to think of it, she was pretty damn shy on friends herself. "So who else do you consider... Your friend?"

"I would say the Nabiki Tendo has seen me through many a troubled time." Kuno stated, and Ranma nearly fell over.

"She charges you for everything." Ranma pointed out. Hell, she charges _everybody_ for everything.

"It is a but a mask, my beauticious one." Kuno explained the world as he knew it. "Her line of work requires such, but I have never known her to be anything less than fair and understanding."

Ranma blinked. _Okaaaay._ I think that's enough of _those_ questions. Though the answers had been outlandish, they had succeeded in putting a dent in her depression, if only because it was incredulity replacing it. That, and there was the fact that she had somebody to spill her guts to _and_ somebody who had apparently been through similar circumstance. She could almost even face the outside world again. In fact, it was probably best she did. Couldn't leave Akane to face the wolves by herself for too long, regardless of what the future held for them ...Or didn't hold. "Um, thanks for the hospitality, Kuno, but I can't impose on ya any--"

"Nonsense." he cut her off abruptly. "You will stay for dinner."

"I will?" It was another bit of the kendoist that rocketed past her normally raised defenses thanks to the days' strain.

"Indeed! For some reason we have run afoul the food service industry this day and have plenty to spare." Ranma barely suppressed a flinch. Not that she'd know _anything_ about that, no sir.

"Um, couldn't you just turn em away?" She inquired, another pang of guilt crawling through her stomach.

"Such disagreements would have assuredly disturbed the peace you sought." Kuno explained as they now stepped from his painting room to the main dining room, where stacks of food sat. "Nay, I could not allow such. I surely cannot eat so much and my sister will not touch it."

Two concepts promptly asserted themselves in Ranma Saotome's mind: Guilt and hunger. It was surprising how well the two meshed together. There was a third that swam below the surface, content to remain out of sight, and it was the desire to retreat from the horrible life she had just taken refuge from. The decision was a remarkably easy one to make.

"Aw, what the hell. Let's dig in."

* * *

"Yeah, I pretty much figured that was the beginning." Nabiki sighed as they broke in introspection. "It was either that or the dragon mistress what's-her-name."

"Onyixa." Ranma stated, leaning into Tatewaki's arms. Dragon girl just happened to be one of the few kidnappers to frequent Nerima with an interest in Ranma himself and not his fiancée. Scratch that, Nabiki amended. _Ex-fiancée._ It had been one of the more surreal kidnappings, if only because nobody but the fiancées wanted to really go after Ranma. The cajoling of the various factions to aid in his rescue was an endlessly amusing process and when a rescue party was finally assembled, it was surprised by Ranma stepping through the dojo doorway, having rescued _himself_.

"So what are you going to do about your mother?" Nabiki asked with a nonchalant wave of her hand. "Hell, what are you going to do about _Akane?_ And the Amazons... And Ukyo... I stand to make a tidy sum off of this."

"If we let you." Tatewaki stated evenly and Nabiki blanched, unused to Kuno actually being assertive. While she held an undoubtedly large sphere of influence, it was tough to compete with somebody with substantial cash reserves and who had a father that basically owned the school. Part of her profession was recognizing that thin line in just how far you could push people, and it seemed Tatewaki was finally realizing the exact boundaries of that line instead of continually allowing himself to be pushed across it.

"It ain't that bad, Tachi." Ranma pointed out, looking up at her boyfriend. "Might be able to help with damage control." Nabiki nodded in agreement, seeing the glimmer of profit still salvagable. Kuno didn't exactly look thrilled, but remained silent.

"Oh yeah, speaking of Akane..."

* * *

**Author's notes:** Was originally planning one large story, but my fiancée is coming from Indonesia, so I might not be able to put serious time into these stories in the near future. Yes, I intend on finishing, so no worries there. Say 'hi' to her for me if you write a review

**TriMatter** has been a great sounding board for this story and has helped make it a better one overall. There's no way I could walk away without giving credit where credit is due, and he's definitely helped polish this work. And if you haven't read his stuff, I'd encourage you to do so. NOW.


	3. Chapter Two

**Kunoification  
**By Ozzallos  
Edited by _Quizer_

**Chapter 2**

"**I**t's over, isn't it?"

Had the parents heard these words, it would have spelled certain doom for the pair now facing one another in the confines of the Tendo Dojo. Their parents would have immediately dropped into DEFCON one in a last desperate attempt to marry the wayward couple whose destiny had been decided for them nearly eighteen years ago. If that weren't enough, each had their own individual disasters waiting for them in the wings. Had Ranma's fiancées heard those words uttered, whatever fleeting peace he had would be destroyed beyond every recognition in their attempts to wed and bed him. If the school knew Akane was free, the Furinkan militia known as the Hentai Horde would be reactivated and its former officers given battlefield commissions. Then there was the matter of Nabiki. It didn't take much imagination to figure out what would happen on _that_ front if word got out there.

In short, they'd have to kill anybody who heard those words spoken aloud.

Getting some time alone together was remarkably easy for Akane and Ranma. He had just come home after piecing himself back together at Kuno's, to an Akane who was similarly ravaged by the day's events. It had only been through the liberal application of violence that she had been able to maintain a twenty foot zone of exclusion around her person. Even Nodoka had been sufficiently cowed by the crater that now resided in the front courtyard, courtesy of the youngest Tendo's fist. Then Ranma came home and it was immediately obvious that private time would be at a premium. That was, after all, why he had retreated to Kuno's to begin with. In the end, getting time away with Akane had been quite simple. All it took was an overused insult concerning Akane's masculinity and a subtle wink in her direction. Akane got the message and promptly arranged for his departure via her fist. After that, it had been easy to circle around and meet in the dojo covertly. Not even Nabiki was going to risk tailing either at the present levels of stress and violence displayed today.

Akane looked to the pigtailed martial artist before her and considered the words herself with a frown. "If they had just left it alone..."

"Wishful thinkin'." Ranma commented despondently. "They ain't ever gonna give us a moment's peace, married or no."

The girl with cobalt blue hair nodded. It just wasn't going to work. Heck, they had nearly three years and two weddings to be convinced of that fact. After all, you can only spit into the wind for so long before you get tired of the soaking, and Akane and Ranma were drenched. "We can't exactly just end it, you know..."

Ranma sighed. "Yeah, I know. _Damn_ them." The couple now stared off into space as they each sought some way - _any way_ - to extract themselves from their predicament. "And we can't just tell 'em outright."

A horrified look crossed Akane's face. "Are you kidding? God knows what they'd do if we did that!"

The boy merely grunted in agreement. No way could they tell the parents outright. "Right, and we can't let on to the fact either..."

"Which means..."

"...We're gonna have to keep up appearances until we find a way outta this mess." Ranma finished Akane's spoken thought.

"If we can stay sane that long..." She grumbled, a sentiment Ranma wholeheartedly agreed with.

"Yeah well..." Ranma groused, "As long as I keep up with the insults and you with the mallets, it should buy us some time."

Now it was Akane's turn to sigh. "But I don't want to mallet anybody!" Ranma shot her an amused look. "Okay, sometimes I do, but I just want a normal life! Is that too much to ask?"

Ranma's amusement grew. "Around here?"

Akane sniffed with mock contempt. "Around _you_."

The martial artist's shoulders slumped and his mirth died away. "Truth hurts."

The youngest Tendo closed the distance between them and put a gentle hand on his face. "I didn't mean it like that... It's just... I wouldn't mind a _normal_ boyfriend from time to time."

Ranma took his eyes off the floor and met hers. "I know... not like I can help being a walking tempest of destruction. Like I'm the freakin' god of chaos incarnate or somthin'."

"Or maybe somebody is pulling on the strings of our life behind the scenes?" Akane added with a slight smile. Ranma returned it.

"Exactly."

They both smiled, finding a small point of humor in an otherwise hopeless situation. It faded quickly with Akane's next words. "So where does that leave us?"

"Same ol' same ol', I guess." Ranma admitted. "I can probably keep 'em off your back at least, being the scapegoat and all."

Akane's frown deepened. He was right...The truth _did_ hurt. And not just him. Even after she had stopped reflexively blaming him for every wrong under the sun, Ranma still caught more than his share of flak; if not from the other fiancées, then the rivals. Those occurrences had been steadily dwindling, but the parents... The parents were the constant in both their lives and whenever something went wrong, it was traditionally his fault. "That'll keep them at arm's length for a little while, but what about a long term plan?"

"Plan?" Ranma grinned "You oughta know me better than that."

"How could I forget," Akane snorted. "Mister 'make it up as I go'."

"My specialty." Ranma stuck out his tongue in retaliation. "Don't worry. I'll figure something out. For both of us."

Akane Tendo arched an eyebrow in exaggerated skepticism. Truth be told, that was one ability she had total confidence in. Ranma didn't plan per se, but he was a master chop artist. His ability to adapt to any situation and formulate tactics on the fly was second only to his near legendary skill as a martial arts prodigy. Lord knew she had seen it first-hand enough times to be totally secure in that aspect of his abilities. You could only watch him turn near impossible situations around so many times before just accepting the undeniable facts. But he wouldn't have needed to in the first place if his mother hadn't... "Why couldn't it just go our way for once?"

Ranma shrugged. "Beats the hell outta me." Then he favored Akane with a fond look. "But at least I got somethin' outta this whole mess."

Akane's serious mask began to reflect Ranma's own warm smile. "Yeah, I think I did too."

The rest of the night was nearly text book with one exception, in that a friendship had survived where an engagement had not. Soun, Genma and Nodoka's attempts at rapid damage control were circumvented through a concept previously unknown to the engaged couple - Tactics. The predictable attempts at parental intervention were fended off as Ranma and Akane tag-teamed off one another. If one got mired in a senseless debate over mistresses, engagements or the like, the other would throw out a well timed insult that invariably drew both into a circular argument that derailed and excluded any engagement plans the adults were attempting to construct. If things got really bad, Akane would break out the mallet, which was all but guaranteed to break off any negotiations.

After all, it was tough for them to corner Ranma while she was busy chasing him with a hammer.

* * *

"AKANE KNOWS?" Nabiki Tendo's outburst drew the attention of the entire establishment Ranma, Tatewaki and herself now ate in. Even as the words left her lips, she realized how vast an understatement they were. Akane didn't simply 'know', she was, in fact, complicit in the entire cover up. Nabiki desperately fought to keep the food in her mouth from falling out.

"You mean you _didn't?_" Ranma asked, twirling her pigtail innocently. The withering glare she earned elicited a smile from the Kuno.

Nabiki managed to ignore the feminine manner in which Ranma played with her hair. "You know damn well I didn't!" She snapped.

Ranma dropping the innocent act in favor of her own smile. "Aw come on, Nabs... You're so _easy!_" Another crinkled face from Nabiki indicated the irony was not lost on her either.

Nabiki forced her way past the irritation in favor of some small measure of self control. The two grinning idiots across from her weren't helping. "Okay, is anybody _else_ privy to this scheme of yours that I should know about?"

"Nay." Kuno shook his head as Ranma allowed an arm to snake around her possessively. The redhead seemed to melt into it. "Unless we are to be surprised ourselves."

Nabiki eyed the pair doubtfully. Akane as a collaborator threw every scenario she was devising out of whack, as it indicated one significant faction in the fiancée wars had just been neutralized. That still left Ukyo and the Amazons, however. Nabiki began running down the remaining likely scenarios, an ability that was second nature to her thought processes. She sincerely doubted Ukyo would be a problem. Ranma and the Okonomiyaki master had been friends long enough to where their friendship would overcome the initial bluster the news created. The Amazons wouldn't take it so lightly, however. Even if they accepted the fact that Ranma was 'going girl', they were more than likely to try and marry _her_ off to another Amazon male, seeing how it didn't seem to be a problem for her anymore. Nabiki shivered at that last thought and a very Shampoo-like voice crept through her head. _Too-too weird._

But the parents... "You do realize the time bomb you've created here?" The mischievous smiles faded quickly. Obviously they did, Nabiki noted. Part of her delighted at her ability to reduce their playful attitude to ash while the other was staring at the impending apocalypse forming on the horizon. Akane was the last hope for their fathers' 'family honor' and if she was okay with all of this... And why did she have feeling that there was another shoe just waiting to be dropped?

"Yeah, Mom's gonna have my head." Ranma stated with solemn gravity. "Pops and your old man I could care less about. They wore out their cries of honor a long time ago." Tatewaki nodded with her words, giving her a comforting squeeze. "Hell, we were almost over the damn mistress incident too."

"We cannot hope to keep such a secret from the world forever, my radiant beauty." Nabiki was still in awe over how Ranma simply accepted Kuno's indulgent titles for her, where as yesterday he was getting beat into the nearest wall for them.

Ranma shrugged with a depressed air about her. "Yeah well, I can wish, can't I?" Kuno simply nodded, like the perfect understanding boyfriend he was supposed to be. Nabiki suppressed a twitch. The scene in front of her reminded her of another nagging question...

"So all those fights before school between the both of you...?" She all but knew the answer. Still, she wanted to hear it for herself.

"My love pulls her punches quite masterfully." Kuno smiled knowingly and Ranma's face glowed a slight pink.

"That and we kinda have been teachin' each other." Ranma found Tatewaki's smile infectious.

"_Teaching_ each other?"

"Yep, Tachi's pretty good with a katana." The upperclassman inclined his head slightly with her praise.

"And Ra-chan has been teaching me her art as well." Tatewaki explained. All Nabiki could do was nod dumbly. Ranma? Use a sword? Kuno... _Not_ use one? She wasn't sure which concept was more outlandish. A waiter came by and laid down the check, to which Ranma's date laid out a large bill. "Perhaps we should continue the telling outside."

Nabiki eyed the money as the pair stood up from the table. "Aren't you going to wait for the change?"

"No." Came the simple reply.

Nabiki eyed Ranma now. "That's an awful lot of money to just leave behind."

"It's called a tip, Nabs."

Nabiki Tendo fell over.

* * *

"Airen!"

"Ranma-honey!"

"Ranma-samaaaaa!"

The Airen-Ranma-Honey-Sama in question let loose an involuntary shiver as three separate forces of feminine nature came to bear on the wayward martial artist. Since the collapse of the second wedding, the pressure exerted by the remaining girls increased exponentially, and what began as an effort to screen Akane from her parents rapidly degenerated into panicked retreat. It might not have been so bad if the aforementioned fiancées hadn't declared a temporary ceasefire in order to corner their prey more effectively. Ranma doubled back to the dojo, hoping to God that the same tactics that worked on their parents worked on the fiancées.

Ranma round the corner and leapt over the wall, finding Akane helping Kasumi hang clothing in the dojo courtyard. "Akane! Large-waisted Tomboy!" Akane almost couldn't suppress the smile as the three fiancées hopped over the wall behind him. She managed to reign it in and instead affected a look of rage, calling her ki mallet into existence. She tossed the hammer from one hand to the other and wound back, seeing the relief in Ranma's eyes.

"_Two timing pervert baka!"_

_WHAM!_

The resultant ballistic arc took Ranma on a twenty second blur over the Neriman suburb and promptly deposited him into a local water fountain with a geyser of cold water, which frankly amazed Ranma to no end. Between the water attraction inherent in the curse and Akane's ability to punt him into the nearest body of water, Ranma found it really, _really_ creepy... Especially since they were now on speaking terms. The drenched redhead pulled herself up from the fountain and mentally calculated the angle of her departure, time traveled, direction and estimated distance. See? Those math classes were coming in handy after all. Just outside the shopping district, Ranma noted, realizing that it wasn't far enough away to lose the rampaging fiancées. She need time to think, time to unwind and time to keep from snapping, and the only place that could fill those impossible requisites was a place of impossibility to begin with.

Ranma was over the Kuno estate walls easily and began the task of avoiding the various traps and pitfalls as she traversed the property to the back door. She tracked right with light steps to avoid the tripwire to a shuriken trap, only to have to hop over a covered pit of sharpened bamboo sticks. It caused her to smile. If nothing else, the Kunos' were studious in the matter of home defense. Not one trap was in the same place since her last visit. Ranma smiled, as it gave her something to focus on besides the problems waiting for her back in the real world.

The key slid into the back door with a well oiled click and Ranma paused before turning it. She cocked her head curiously and spoke into empty space. "You ain't plannin' anything stupid are yas?"

The diminutive cat faced ninja leapt into existence, kneeling at her person a few feet away. "Only to inform you that Master Kuno is practicing in the estate gym."

"Right." She replied dryly. "You _do_ know I'm a guy, right?"

Sasuke looked up, making eye contact with the redhead for the first time. "Of course, Mistress." Ranma barely suppressed a flinch at the title. "I am not quite as blinded by love as Master Kuno." ...Or as unbalanced, the Ninja thought silently, a thought he was sure Ranma shared.

"Okay, so why ya playin' along?"

"I would not be able to convince him otherwise." Sasuke frowned. "To obstruct you would be foolish under such circumstance."

"Not like I haven't tried to tell him myself." Ranma grumbled, and Sasuke nodded with sympathy.

"Which is the only reason I tolerate your continued presence." Ranma blinked at the retainer's directness. "Perhaps he will come around in time and we can all end this masquerade."

Which would also deny her of her only safe haven at the moment, but that's not today. Ranma shrugged. "The gym?" Sasuke nodded. She twisted the key and opened the door, taking one step inside before reality caught up to her once more. "And exactly where is that...?"

"I strike!" Tatewaki stepped through his kendo technique, blurring into a group of three straw practice dummies. His wooden practice blade whipped around into a narrow arc, cutting one of the figures down in a clean slice. The upperclassman reversed the blade and sidestepped between the remaining targets, taking them out with surgical precision... And style.

"Those theatrics are gonna get you killed."

The Kendoist froze mid stroke with those words, and he turned to find a sight most welcome, in spite of the criticism which blew by unnoticed. "Even the art of war requires style and grace, my Pigtailed Goddess." He smiled with a hint of condescension, as if he were instructing a small child on the basics of the alphabet. Tatewaki stepped over one of the fallen straw targets to join the redhead. "Truly, it is the mark of a warrior-poet such as myself."

Ranma rolled her eyes. "Yeah, and while you're busy being all poetic, I'll be kickin' yer butt." Tatewaki seemed to consider this as he led his goddess through the mansion halls.

"Admittedly you are one of the most formidable maidens I have happened across in the combat arts. In that, I am not sure whether to thank or curse the wretched Saotome's influence on you." Ranma shook her head as she trailed behind the upperclassman. Did she hurt him for the insult or beam with pride over the compliment? In the end, she called it up as a draw and decided not to pummel the kendoist. Today.

"One of these days you'll realize we're the same person, baka…"

"Indeed, one of these days we'll purge you of his foul influence." He nodded, as if his words were a natural continuation of the redhead's thought. "But I'll not disturb your peace by broaching such a topic."

_Damn,_ Ranma grumbled to herself, lamenting the fact that the kendoist kept taking away her excuses to bite his head off. She shook her head in frustration. _Whatever…_ Ranma glanced around as they journeyed though another large hallway decorated with painting and sculptures. "So where we goin' anyway?"

"I have had a feast prepared in your honor, my pigtailed goddess." Kuno returned with a self-satisfied smile, causing the aforementioned pigtailed girl to frown.

"I haven't been here ten minutes."

Tatewaki waved the fact aside. "I prepare a feast every night on the chance that you should arrive unexpectedly."

Ranma nearly stumbled in the upperclassman's wake. She hadn't been to his house in days. _Weeks_, even! And he was having a meal cooked for her _every night!_ Part of her brain couldn't help but to admire the sheer amount of insanity necessary to persist in such delusional behavior, while the other part… "Ain't that a tad, eh… excessive?"

"Nonsense." He replied as the pair approached a pair of rich oak doors. "My sister has accused me of such behavior, but one has to consider the source of those accusations."

_That only makes you both—_ Ranma's thought process stopped cold as Tatewaki Kuno opened the double doors, admitting her to The Feast. The words were even capitalized in her mind as she stepped took a tentative step into the massive dining room, the aroma of finely prepared food wafting around her. The martial artists' cheek twitched. The amount of food was simply... She blinked. Then blinked again. Ranma Saotome, Heir to the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts was literally stunned, and it had nothing to do with her normally healthy appetite. She turned slowly back to Kuno, who had held the door open for her.

"_Every night?"_

"Of course." Tatewaki returned in utter seriousness. "I shan't be found negligent in my duties to provide you a place of comfort and relaxation."

She opened her mouth but words failed to come out. Her mind, however, was working well into the redline. A feast. For me. Every single goddamn night! _For months!_ Oh, there was no doubt that Tatewaki was loony beyond even her wildest imagination, however nobody but _nobody _had ever given her that sort of consideration. Sure, the fiancées chased and bribed her with meals on occasion, but to go through this sort of trouble every single night just on the off chance she arrived? It was--

"Is it not sufficient, my warrior maiden?"

Ranma snapped back to the real world and released the breath she had been holding, staring up at Kuno. "Uh, no, I mean yeah… yeah. Totally." She shook her head clear of the mental clutter occupying it. "I mean, look Kuno, ya can't be doing this every night."

Her host blinked without comprehension. "Of course I can. You must know money is no—"

"Ya just can't." Ranma interrupted, causing Kuno to cock his head curiously, but still devoid of comprehension. "It's not like I'm gonna be stopping by everyday, right?"

"No matter." Kuno stated with certainty, folding his arms. "It is a negligible expense and your—"

"Stop it!" Ranma shrieked as her anger finally found something to anchor to. "Just stop it already! _Nobody_ does this crap for me! Ever! Not my mom, not my dad, not my damn fiancées! There's always strings attached! Everybody wants something from me, so tell me, Kuno, whaddya want!"

The kendoist studied his pig-tailed goddess carefully as she pulled back from the edge of hyper ventilation before answering. "Admittedly, I do vie for your affections, but that much is obvious. Nay, I desire naught more than your well-being."

"I…! You…!" Regardless of how much she tried to force words from her mouth, all attempts failed as her anger was absorbed into the insane, eccentric sponge named Tatewaki. And the worst thing about it was that he was right. Ranma knew she had gone into this eyes wide open. Desperate for some measure of peace, but open. It wasn't as if he had hidden his true nature from her either, and there was something hard at work in the back of her mind, behind the clutter.

_Somebody gives a damn._

No, Ranma mentally amended. Somebody gives a damn about a busty five foot one inch tall redhead, not Ranma Saotome. Still, she couldn't help herself. It felt _nice..._ Nice to not be just another means to an end for once. After a couple more attempts at communication, the girl lapsed into silence, first glowering at the Kuno, then loosing a heavy sigh. "Look, ya can't keep doin' this."

"And why is that, my goddess?"

"Because you can't!" Ranma bit back, then took another deep breath. "Jeez, Kuno… I mean, it's just… Too much. Way too much." Tatewaki continued to stare at her without a clue, so she elaborated to the best of her abilities. "It's another obligation. You have a dinner here every night and I feel pressure to do somethin' about it. Don't need no more obligations. That's the _last_ the last thing I need."

The Kendoist scratched his chin, affecting a noble pose. "Perhaps it is thus. Indeed, I have thoughts on how you may deal with the pressures of your life, but come. For now, our repast awaits."

Oh, God, Ranma thought as she stepped through the doors and into her own personal twilight zone. Life must be _seriously _screwed up when a Kuno starts giving you advice on living. Even so, living on the edge of insanity had its perks, she noted, taking in the spectacle that was The Feast. Duck. Shark fin soup. Dumpling. Sushi of every sort. Her wide eyes endeavored to take the parade of dishes in. Ranma had thought her previous visit to the Kuno mansion had been a feast. She was mistaken. _Sadly_ mistaken. That particular fast food delivery prank had been eclipsed by so many magnitudes it wasn't even funny. Tatewaki took opportunity of the redhead's partially stunned state to herd her to one of the intricately carved chairs, pulling it out for her. Ranma took the seat without objection, continuing to stare into the massive spread. Once again, guilt and hunger united to form an incredibly powerful motivator to sit down and at least try the food in front of her.

"Alright, Kuno. Just this once." She said, reaching for some silverware. It probably was real silver too, Ranma realized as an afterthought.

Tatewaki nodded sympathetically. "Of course. No need to—"

_Whiip_SNAP!

"YOW!" Ranma snatched her hand back, now pulsing a shade as red as her head. She glared into down the vector of the blur that had snapped at her hand, finding a dark figure stepping out of the candle lit shadows.

"My twisted sister." Tatewaki frowned and Ranma bolted from her chair with an angry visage plastered across her face.

"Whaddya do that for!"

"That," Kodachi Kuno cleared the shadows, revealing her elegant dark purple dress laced with flowers. She stretched a pink gymnastics ribbon to tension between her hands."is the wrong fork."

The redhead blinked, her anger momentarily stalled. "The wrong…?"

The sister rolled her eyes, stepping to the opposite end of the expansive dining table. "While my brother may be willing to overlook your peasant ways, I shall not have you disgracing these walls with your barbarian eating habits."

"Sister, this is not the time for a—" Tatewaki was cut of by a swift gesture from Kodachi.

"I'll not tolerate it." She continued haughtily. "Of course, formal training for such a waif would truly be a futile cause."

Ranma leaned forward with the challenge, grinding her teeth. "I've had plenty of formal training!"

Kodachi turned her full attention back to the girl with an arched eyebrow. "Oh?"

Ranma folded her arms with a confident smirk. "I'm a master of Anything Goes Dining!"

Now it was Kodachi's turn to look befuddled, then disdain. "Anything goes… Ah, now I remember. Your unladylike fascination with martial arts. And tell me, how did you come to be a recipient of this primitive training?"

"Picolette Chardin the Second." Ranma replied. "Beat him at his own game!"

Kodachi's eyes widened with the explanation, then narrowed with irritation. "The Chardins? That family is truly a blight on nobility everywhere."

For once, Tatewaki nodded in agreement with his sister. "It is truly thus, my goddess. Any family whose pedigree is built on the ability to inhale their food lacks the refinement to be named among true nobility, doubly so when such standards are used to measure one's future spouse."

_Says something about my old man_, Ranma thought with a trace of humor, then considered the Kunos in their rare moment of agreement. "So what are ya sayin'?"

Kodachi brought the entwined ribbon to her lip with her fingers as she contemplated the matter. "How should I put this…" An evil smile adorned her face, eyes glittering. "It would be remiss to leave you with such a pathetic view of true nobility, therefore I can only think of one thing."

"And what's that?"

The evil smile grew, and Kodachi tore away her gown to reveal a form fitting black and purple leotard. She began to twirl the ribbon at high speeds. "Your _real_ training begins _now._"

* * *

Nabiki Tendo took another look at the pair next to her as they strolled down the sidewalk and away from the restaurant where Kuno had left his sizable tip. She was beginning to realize the catalyst that brought this insane pairing into being, but that didn't make it any less unbelievable. Ranma walked peacefully beside Kuno, contently wrapped around his arm while the upperclassman had his coiled around her waist. The middle Tendo shook her head with incredulity for what had to have been the hundredth time that night, thanking God she was out in the cool night and its fresh air.

She needed it at this point.

"You can't go home like that." She conjured the topic out of thin air, desperate to break the romantic silence drifting around Ranma and Tatewaki. It was practically suffocating. Of course, she _could_ go home like that, but doing so might not be conducive to her health.

The content redhead shrugged, unmoved by the observation. "I just change over at Tachi's house if I want. After that, it ain't nothin' to come home a girl after Akane mallets me away."

"Right, I almost forgot. Partners in crime." Nabiki noted blandly, earning an amused smile from the redhead. "So how did you both—"

_"OOOHO HO HO HO HOOOO!"_

The sound sent the slightest of shivers down Nabiki's spine as she turned, finding Kodachi Kuno perched atop a light pole, her black on black gown fluttering in the slight breeze. The black rose in her mouth was a nice touch too. She removed it and pointed down to Ranma. "There you are, redheaded harlot! Tell me where my Ranma-sama is, else I shall discipline you!"

Nabiki watched Tatewaki make eye contact with his sister, subtly shaking his head, while Ranma simply smiled. "Hey, Ko-chan, what's up?"

The insane sparkle in the young woman's eyes diminished slightly as she looked curiously upon the couple, then Nabiki, then back to Ranma. With a slight shrug, she hopped down from the pole gracefully, landing in front of the trio. Kodachi gave Nabiki one last look.

"I see." She stated, then turned her full attention to Ranma. "I've merely come by to see if you've heard anything from my beloved Ranma-sama?"

Ranma affected a slightly disappointed look. "Sorry, Ko-chan. You know how he is."

"Alas, I do." Kodachi sighed wistfully. "While he is the wild stallion of his namesake, his constant training missions do border on tedium."

"Yeah, know what you mean." Ranma took her hand, and patted it sympathetically. Kodachi took it gracefully before moving on to other topics.

"You will, of course, be present for the St. Hebereke ball?" She asked, prompting a smile from Ranma. "I should be disappointed not to see my lessons pay off."

"Like I would miss it." The redhead smiled.

It was all Nabiki could do not to gawk at the scene. Granted, Ranma had hinted at their current state of relations, but this… THIS would drive lesser women absolutely nutty. Ranma was actually consoling Kodachi like a good friend while talking about herself in the third person?

"If you should see Ranma, please be sure to tell him that I seek his presence most passionately?" The taller girl asked hopefully and the shorter one gave her a reassuring smile.

"Of course I will."

Kodachi gave Ranma's hand a slight squeeze before pulling away, then paused, turning back to Nabiki as if she were an afterthought. Her voice dropped several degrees as she addressed the Tendo. "And should your meddlesome schemes drive a wedge between my brother and Ra-chan, or push her back to my beloved Ranma-sama, I shall ensure you regret the remaining days of your life in a _most_ exquisite manner."

It was all Nabiki could do to retain some semblance of composure as Kodachi Kuno stared her down with a look every bit as icy as any she was capable of producing herself. She didn't like dealing with Kodachi on a normal day because not only could she be every bit as ruthless, but totally lacked any inhibitions to keep that ruthlessness in check. Nabiki's ruthless, privateering nature was on a self controlled leash. Kodachi seemed to have no such governors and Nabiki Tendo knew that was what made her truly dangerous. Selling photos and information was as far as she was willing to interact with the girl, because if push came to shove, extorting Kodachi was like juggling live rattle snakes. You might pull it off, but the consequences of failure would be quite spectacular.

Therefore, it was quite understandable that Nabiki produced a simple nod in deference to her standard witty response.

"I see we have an understanding." Kodachi returned the nod, then erupted into a fit of insane laughter before leaping off into the night via a nearby rooftop. Nabiki stood absolutely still a moment longer before Ranma stepped up to her.

"Sorry 'bout that," Ranma said. "As you can see, she hasn't quite…"

".. gotten it yet," Tatewaki finished as the couple stared at the retreating gymnast. "She has been most resilient to our efforts to…"

"... enlighten her on the matter," Ranma said, returning the favor for Tatewaki.

Nabiki looked from boy to girl.

It took a few moments for her brain to engage at the sight of Ranma and Tatewaki seamlessly finishing each others sentences. They even managed to pull off the other's speech mannerisms. "You don't say," she finally managed with a shake of her head. She took a moment to digest what had just happened before continuing. "Okay, um, where were we?"

"Think it's time to call it a night." Ranma shook her head, eliciting a nod of agreement from her date. "Meetcha back at the dojo, 'kay?"

"Uh, right." Nabiki repeated, still in a slight daze. "Back at the dojo." With that, the woman known as the Ice Queen watched the unlikely couple walk off into the night, hand in hand.

* * *

"It just moved! I swear to God!"

Eyes widened at the remark and an angry red glow enveloped the dining room table, courtesy of Akane Tendo. She bolted up from her place, burning down the pigtailed boy across from her with a molten glare.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!" The youngest Tendo leaned forward, prompting the parents to lean away and out of the line of fire. To be fair, nobody was actually touching Akane's creation, which could have been loosely identified as teriyaki chicken if said teriyaki chicken were still alive, turned inside out and blackened to crispy elemental carbon blocks. For most of the family, the plan was simple—Admire the crispy blocks of carbon, wait for Ranma to make his inevitable comment concerning his fiancée's cooking and escape in the ensuing carnage.

The mallet made its appearance, and the family began to lead off from the table in anticipation of the commencement of violence. Even Kasumi began to pull away plates as Akane began her attack run. There was a minor departure from the regular Ranma-Akane dinnertime violence, however, and that was in Nabiki. The middle sister watched with new eyes as the two traded insults; Ranma dodging Akane's mallet while Akane chased him around the room. A pitcher of water found the formerly male martial artist and the chase was on again, this time with Akane pursuing a red headed pigtailed girl. It was absolutely surreal to realize for the first time that this was all nothing more than an elaborate production designed to throw those around them – including herself – off from the truth. The fact that they played the game so naturally was a revelation in and of itself for the Ice Queen. _Of course they did_, Nabiki rebuked herself. _They've only had two and a half years of practice._

"Happy couple, eh, Soun?" Genma commented from across the room as Akane chased Ranma out of the house.

"Indeed they are, old friend." Soun nodded with an oblivious smile.

_Fools._ Nabiki thought as she stared after the pair. And not just them. Nabiki shook her head. Under normal circumstances, she wouldn't think to follow either her sister or her apparently ex-brother in-law to be. The messes they normally created in their activities tended to be catastrophic for anybody not either a martial artist or used to dodging mallets. Apparently, both had played the natural tendencies of everybody involved to their supreme advantage, and now Nabiki was left wondering what actually did occur in the shadow of their presumed fighting.

With supper safely a loss, Nabiki ducked out into the Tendo courtyard, moving in the last known direction the pair was sighted. The dojo? It was a rather obvious place to hold out, she thought to herself as she quietly stepped around to the main entrance. Two female voices filtered through the doorway, all but inviting the middle Tendo to put her ear to the door for a better take on the conversation.

"…And yesterday we went to the beach. It was absolutely beautiful, like a dream…" Nabiki identified her sister's voice readily, but the question hung in the air as to who 'we' exactly was in the conversation.

"And romantic?" Ranma questioned in a tone that undoubtedly indicated that she expected it was indeed romantic.

"Oh, _definitely _romantic." Akane confirmed, leaving the eavesdropping sister slack-jawed. They weren't just talking about an outing; they were talking about a date! _Akane's_ date! And Ranma--! Her brain was on the verge of shutting down when the next words she heard refocused her attention abruptly.

"Wait one sec." Ranma said, then in a louder voice, "Come on in, Nabs!"

Nabiki stiffened with the words, but managed to slid the door open despite the surprise of being found out so quickly. _Goddamn martial artists…_ was her first thought as she stepped across the threshold and into the dojo itself. At its center sat Akane smiling lightly at her, with Ranma sprawled out next to her, also grinning like an idiot.

"About time you showed up, Sis." Akane poked, motioning her to join their little gathering. "We thought you'd never put two and two together."

Nabiki winced at the reminder, but Ranma brushed it aside. "Don't mind her. We went through a lot of trouble to make sure you didn't put two and two together."

Their grinning only increased to insufferable levels, forcing the middle Tendo to massage her temples. They were like best friends, sharing a joke. _Girlfriends_. "Alright already, alright. You got me. Now want to explain just what the hell you two are doing out here?"

"Think that would be obvious, Nabs." Ranma shrugged, leaning back.

"Just talking." Akane replied innocently.

"Who was your date?" Nabiki inquired.

"Oh... no one," Akane replied while innocently look toward the ceiling.

Nabiki blinked at her younger sister. "Don't give me that! I clearly heard you! Who is it?"

"Ah, c'mon Nabs," Ranma broke in. "You know that a girl has to have some secrets."

Nabiki gave Ranma a half glare, half pout as Akane giggled at having caught her older sister so flat footed.

"My ass!" Nabiki exploded suddenly, causing the pair to blink cluelessly. It only served to push her annoyance to unheard of levels. "Ranma just got done insulting your cooking no less than ten minutes ago and now you're out here all buddy-buddy! I know it's supposed to be an act, but… but…"

"'Kane-chan's actually a decent cook." Ranma pointed out, causing Akane to nod. "She has to try pretty hard these days to do _that._"

"So even the cooking is…?" Nabiki grasped at the inevitable conclusion. Out of the entire scene, she was sure at least that part was real. Akane equaled toxic culinary delights. It was the way of things. Always had been. Oh sure, everything after that was undoubtedly a convenient byproduct of the food, but…

"Ha!" Akane smirked. "Even I wouldn't try that stuff."

Nabiki's face lost all cohesion and she sank to her knees beside the girls, totally and completely lost. Reality as she knew it was a lie. A complete and utter lie.

"I think we broke her." Ranma pointed out, looking closely at the older girl. Nabiki simply shook her head.

So even the food was a lie. Her sister was a decent cook. "And splashing Ranma with the water, A-chan?"

"All part of the show." Akane confirmed with satisfaction, prompting Nabiki to take a deep breath and collect her thoughts.

The revelation prompted yet more questions beyond the fact that her reality had just been upturned. Again. Ranma had come home from Kuno's date a guy. When, exactly had that happened? And why had they planned the change to her female body? The same scheme could have worked without that little detail and nobody would have batted an eye.

"So the change to the girl really is…"

"A preference." Ranma stated without shame. Nabiki studied the redhead before her closely, scrutinizing her body language. It wasn't guarded or on edge, which was admittedly an oddity concerning the Saotome she once knew. She was more… relaxed?

The realization prompted another insight, which she voiced aloud. "So it was that bad?"

The smile Ranma had worn since she had first walked in diminished slightly. "You got no idea."

* * *

Ranma Saotome, heir of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts ruthlessly laid into the sparring post before her, unleashing yet another devastating combo into its steel reinforced frame. The target in question was now the focus of two weeks of pent up frustration as it absorbed blow after blow in the form of pulverizing fists, lethal kicks and occasionally a ki-born special technique.

The first two sparring posts were currently battered, molten slag.

It was actually a testament to the Kuno estate gym, part of the redhead's brain noted. She had been unloading here for the better part of a month now and somehow it was always in pristine condition when she returned to trash it. It wasn't quite therapy, but it was close. There was just something about absolutely destroying something that kept getting rebuilt week after week that was oh-so gratifying; or at least gratifying enough to overlook the fact that Kuno was having it rebuilt each an every time just for her.

"_Kachu Tenshu Ameguriken!"_

The vocalization of the technique wasn't absolutely necessary to loose its potential, but it did help to vent some of the resentment pent up in her tiny frame. Upwards of three-hundred fists per second smashed into the target dummy, nearly uprooting it from its bolted foundation.

_Damn parents! _

She growled mentally, forcing another aerial combination into the faltering post. It was a familiar litany to Ranma Saotome, but one almost exclusively directed at his father, the fat old panda. As of the collapse of the second wedding, however, that all changed. Of course, her and Akane's father were still the sources of endless angst with their incessant scheming to push them into marital bliss, but those were the good ol' days. Now her mother was involved, and the situation had become exponentially worse. The incident with the mistress was just the tip of the ice berg. It was bad enough that she was giving her full backing to ol' Pops and Soun to push forward with marriage ops. It was worse that she had come up with the mistress deal. No, what really took the cake was the fact that she was now going behind their backs to clandestinely negotiate with the _other_ fiancées in an attempt to 'occupy' his free time. The growl manifested itself audibly with the thought and she spun around on one leg, targeting the post.

_Now here's something I can't do as a guy!_

The other leg snapped up from the knee and blurred in, pulverizing the sparring post at speeds better than the original chestnut fist. The kicks also held more power, and the metal frame only took two and a half seconds of the new technique before the anchor bolts sheered away entirely. Kick number two hundred and eighty three sent the post flying across the room at high speed, embedding it into the wall horizontally less than a half second later. The redhead recovered from the kick and winced, first at the sound of a shattering wall, then at said wall crumpling in.

The activity was sufficiently violent enough to suspend her roiling anger, and she cocked her head, staring at the destruction she had once again wrought on the Kuno manor. I've really got to stop tearing his place up like this, she thought to herself, stepping around the mangled post while admiring her handiwork. She had noted a long time ago that her female body was slightly faster than her birth form, but it wasn't until these private 'therapy' sessions that she found out the other primary benefit, it being far more flexible. While the marginal increase in speed wasn't enough to make up the deficit in strength, that combined with her innate flexibility was. It allowed her to perform techniques such as these, negating her handicap in upper-body strength by substituting her legs instead. She was coming to the point where her legs could hit with more power than her boy-type fist and with more accuracy than her boy-type legs. Not that she had originally set out to train her girl-type up in such a manner… It just came as a natural consequence of wanting to kick the living crap out of something, _anything_ in order to vent.

Fatigue began to set in and Ranma wiped the perspiration from her brow, surveying the destruction. This particular anger management session had sustain three casualties and she briefly considered adding the single remaining sparring post as a forth, but found her anger had fallen to more manageable levels. _Next time_, she threatened the post before turning for the door. What she found caused her to stop short.

"Kuno."

It wasn't quite a hiss, but the title did contain a measure of displeasure. He knew the rules. Her sessions here were hers and hers alone. No intrusions, no spying. Violations of said rules would not only risk her abrupt departure from the premises, but a violent beat-down with his name on it. The upper classman seemed to realize this breach of protocol and inclined his head in apology.

"Forgive me, my fiery warrior-maiden, but I could not help but to notice the… intensity of your workout." Tatewaki explained, stepping around her temper carefully.

Try as she might, the martial artist found it supremely hard to direct any of her rage at the kendoist, especially when he used such corny titles for her. Amusement warred with simmering anger as she formulated a response. "Whaddya mean?"

Tatewaki peered around the door frame, observing the demolished post embedded in the wall next to him. "I should perhaps have the walls reinforced as well, as this one nearly felled one of my loyal retainers."

Ranma's eyes widened suddenly and she rushed around Kuno and out into the hallway, where her eyes widened further. Once again, there was the familiar shape of the mangled sparring post; this particular half jutting four foot _through_ the wall and into the hall itself.

"Aw shit, Kuno, I'm sorry 'bout that!" the girl floundered, aghast at the thought that her practice not only escaped the bound of her room, but nearly hurt somebody in the process. "The guy okay?"

"Yoshimo sustained a severe case of fright, but is otherwise unharmed." The kendoist reassured and Ranma sagged with relief. "If I may suggest…" Ranma turned her attention from the wrecked wall to Kuno, who seemed to be rethinking his words. With her eyes on him, Tatewaki shook his head. "Never mind. Another time, perhaps."

"What's that?" Curiosity reigned now that Ranma was sufficiently drained of anger, and she couldn't help but wonder what topic the normally overly-bold Kuno would step so lightly around.

"It's just…" Tatewaki paused further, picking through his words carefully. "One can't help but to notice that your… activities… are becoming more strenuous in nature."

"Yes…?" Her voice was leaded with slightest hint of violence should the outcome of the conversation not agree with her.

"And while it is none of my business, I would be remiss if I did not express my concerns."

"You're right." Ranma returned. "It _isn't_ any of your business."

"Indeed, I am worried about thy well-being." The boy continued, co-opting the pigtailed girl's business as his own. "It is obvious that the pressures of your life are increasing despite the safe harbor I hath provided."

The pigtailed girl shook her head. She wanted to get mad. Very mad. First, Kuno was sticking his nose where it didn't belong. Second, he was poking at a very sore wound. Be that as it were, there was a couple overriding factors preventing her from punting the nosy kendoist out of his very own house, the primary of which being that he was, after all, Tatewaki Kuno. After nearly two and a half years of having known him, it would be like yelling at the rain to stop being wet. And as much as it pained Ranma to admit it, that very nature had unwittingly placed him in the role of confidant. She could vent, scream and otherwise complain about the injustices of life while Kuno stood there and listened, occasionally interjecting with his own irrelevant and inadvertently humorous take on reality. And through it all, he wouldn't gossip, gab or otherwise turn said conversations to his advantage through manipulation or extortion.

The fact was that he was the only one who would listen. Sure there was Akane, but she was dealing with her own trauma, mostly likely confiding in Kasumi for her therapy. Telling Nabiki would be like paying to slit her own wrists while everybody else couldn't be trusted beyond how fast it would take to marry her off to the highest bidder. No, it was a sad testament to her life, in Ranma's opinion, that there was only one person she could trust with her baggage, and that person was a certified nutcase himself. Maybe she'd get around to punting him later, but after a week like this week, today wasn't going to be that day.

Then again, she said that last time too.

"Yeah, well I can manage." Ranma grumbled, turning her thoughts back to the topic at hand.

"Like the reed in the wind no doubt." Tatewaki nodded sagely. "Though even the reeds need their respite from the gale."

Ranma eyed the Kuno. It never ceased to amaze her that even beneath the layers of insanity were pearls of insightful wisdom. It was yet another facet of the upperclassmen she would have never guessed existed, and their appearance seemed to be becoming more and more frequent. Or maybe it was just because she was noticing because of their close association as of late. Either way, it was damn eerie. "Yeah, that's my life. The freakin' gale of chaos."

"Like your art."

The martial artist paused, turning her full attention on the kendoist now. The uncharacteristic depth of his words stalled her angst and self-loathing abruptly. "Whattdya mean by that?"

"I wish not to offend thee, my goddess, as I know your passion for the Art is second to none," Kuno hastened. "But I have had a chance to observe your activities as of late and have come to a rather startling conclusion."

"Go on." Ranma knew in her gut she shouldn't encourage the boy, but watching Kuno have inspiration was like watching a train wreck… She just couldn't look away.

"I have observed the unorthodox tactics employed by yourself and the wretched Saotome." Kuno began, heedless of disturbing Ranma's ire with the Saotome descriptive. Whether she just didn't notice it or chose to ignore it was up for debate, but her silence allowed him to continue uninterrupted. "Yet I can't help but to wonder if the very same element that makes your style so formidable is also what is doing irreparable damage to your very spirit."

The redhead began to rub her forehead. She had been duped. It was nothing but more magical sorcery crap. "Last thing I wanna hear about is foul sorcery, Kuno."

Kuno nodded. "While I agree that his magiks are potent, I am referring to the art you and my nemesis practice. Its unpredictable nature seems to foil me at every turn and I am left to wonder if it is not foiling thee as well."

Her climb to irritation was stalled once more as the conversation took an unexpected twist. Even as she was left to figure out where the conversation was going, another part of her noted that Kuno seemed to be getting entirely too good at disarming her hostility toward him. It was rather annoying, in a way, to find that she just couldn't beat his head in as freely as she was used to doing.

"Okay, so what's yer point?"

"That perhaps that unpredictable nature has seeded itself into every aspect of your life." Tatewaki continued gravely. "You yourself hath admitted that your life is little more than controlled chaos, much like the art you practice."

"I…" Her mouth opened to release the coherent thought on the tip of her tongue, but found none present.

"It is said that a practitioner and their art are doth inseparable." The kendoist pressed forward with his reasoning. "Is it but coincidence that such discord flows in thy wake like a mighty ship spurning the natural order of things in its passing?"

Again, she tried to push the words out of her mouth, but her mind was racing. He was saying that Anything Goes was actually the _cause_ of all her problems! True, the Art was her life, but that didn't mean…!

"Truly, I have found it such with my own Art. Kendo requires strict discipline." The boy elaborated. "It is, in fact what has helped me retain my grip on sanity where my father and sister hath fallen. Its form helps center me, which in turn, centers my life. If ones form was unpredictable and purposely chaotic…"

He let the implication hang in the air and Ranma's mind snatched at it greedily. It was an utterly insane conclusion to come to, one worthy of Kuno himself, but he was right at some level and she knew it. One became the art they practiced, to a degree. Of course, if that were entirely the case, the upperclassman in front of her could claim sanity as an attribute. _Not necessarily_, another part of her brain countered. From what she knew of him, he was actually a decent - if rather eccentric - student in school. She knew from personal experience he painted reasonably well, and aside from his interaction with herself and Akane, led a rather chaos free lifestyle. So had the Tendos, until coming back into contact with her side of the family. Could it really be…?

Ranma shook her head, playing with her pigtail anxiously. "No. That's just… Look, that can't be right." The level of anxiety grew as the full implications of his hypothesis became fully realized. "I ain't givin' up the Art if that's what yer saying! It's the only thing that I got left in this nightmare of a life!"

To her surprise, Tatewaki looked similarly aghast. "My goddess, I would not think of suggesting such a thing! Nay, I would smite the fiend who would even suggest removing that measure of your fiery spirit!"

His reaction left her speechless and blinking at the upperclassman. All this time, Ranma had simply assumed that Kuno was looking for some girl to shape to his own distorted version of reality and her girl-type happened to be a convenient receptacle to that end. The fact that he wouldn't change a thing about her came as a shock, especially when nobody else in her life would afford her such a luxury. Parents. Fiancées. Even friends. They all wanted her to be something she wasn't. _Heh, even as myself I'm still something I'm not_, Ranma thought bitterly, considering her current form. The irony was positively sickening. The one person who would accept her for who she was was in love with a fantasy, like so many other things in Kuno's life. She paused in her self loathing, sizing up the upperclassman for what seemed like the first time.

_Maybe, just maybe, I've sold you short, Kuno. _

He may have been in love with a fantasy, but he was practically the only person in her life that wasn't trying to turn her into something she wasn't. She wasn't a womanizer. She wasn't a Okanomiyaki chef. Or a polygamist, for that matter. She wasn't breeding stock or marriage collateral. At the end of the day, she was simply Ranma Saotome, heir of her school and nothing more. It was something Tatewaki had accepted outright, even if he tended to overlook one crucial detail on a regular basis. Somewhere in the back of Ranma's mind, a decision was made without her even realizing it. Maybe she could play along in his circumstantial mutiny against reality, if never to the extent he would wish, and in turn, accept him for who he was as well.

With that silent dilemma reconciled, Ranma returned to the waiting boy with slightly more spirit than she had entered the mansion with. "Okay, if you're not suggesting I quit the art, what are you suggesting?"

Tatewaki scritched his chin, making a production of thinking upon the matter. "Perhaps the methods by which you deal with your adverse circumstances are ill-suited to the task."

Once her mind had opened to the possibility that there might be something of substance under Kuno's insane substrate, she grasped the direction of his theory easily enough. If he considered her life and her art chaos and improvisation, then outlets such as the one she had just engaged in would be nothing more than heaping turmoil on top of chaos. She fixed the Tatewaki with her pure blue eyes as those thoughts came into focus. "I think I see what your getting' at. Fighting fire with fire ain't necessarily a good idea. Not sure if accept the entire thing, but I can at least see where you're coming from."

"As intelligent as thou art beautiful." Tatewaki nodded with a smile, causing Ranma to frown. She really needed to break him of that habit. "Mayhaps instead of channeling your release through your art, perhaps something more… _structured_ is required; an opposite to the tribulations you endure."

"Like…?"

Tatewaki walked across the beaten room and over to an untouched weapons rack, pulling a wooden sword from it. "Kendo has been invaluable to myself in a similar capacity. It is an art of form, style and grace, its movement smooth and precise. Truly it would seem to be the foil to the chaos of your life and art."

The redhead favored her host with a disinterested look. "I already know how to use a sword."

"Nay, my fiery beauty." Kuno returned. "While your proficiency is beyond question, I have observed that your skills lack any form whatsoever. For this to work as envisioned, your movements require structure. Predictability."

"Predictability ain't much use in real combat." She countered, and to her mild surprise, the upperclassman nodded with her statement.

"It seems to be thus." He admitted readily. "Such is not the purpose of our exercise her, however. Outside these walls, you may use any form you so desire. Inside these walls however, I would ask of you to follow the strict forms and movements of Kendo, as it is the only way I can envision countering the chaos of your daily life."

It made sense at some level, Ranma realized. Even though she was absolutely certain she could wipe the walls with the Kendoist, every blade form she knew had its roots in Anything Goes and by his logic, was ill-suited to her… therapy. Ranma sighed mentally. Where had things gone wrong? Where had they gotten so bad that she was actually contemplating Tatewaki Kuno as her guidance counselor? Okay, so maybe he wasn't so bad, but he was still a nutcase. _Then again, it's not like I have a better idea._ _What am I gonna do, pound more stuff into the ground as things get worse? And they will get worse_, Ranma had no doubt. At this rate, Kuno's mansion, let alone his servants, wouldn't last much longer.

Ranma hung her head, mentally defeated. "Alright, Kuno. What did ya have in mind?"

* * *

Nabiki eyed Ranma with a measure of disbelief. "You took advice from _Kuno?_ What were you _thinking?_" Nabiki rubbed her forehead and mumbled, "Well, that'd explain why you going girl..."

"Heh, not really." Ranma waved the comment away. "It was everything. Family. Rivals. Fiancées. You." Nabiki winced at the pointed reminder. "The constant Akane-snatchers and those run-ins with the lizard men weren't helping."

"Tell me about it." Akane rolled her eyes.

Nabiki came to a quick conclusion. "So you retreated. To your girl-type."

"I... That is..." Ranma was at a loss for words for the first time since Nabiki had found out her secret. "Yes." She admitted, sucking in a deep breath. "Everything is different. Fiancées don't glomp. Rivals aren't so eager to go after me. Hell, everybody treats me different. I can eat ice cream."

The middle Tendo opened her mouth, then closed it as her thoughts ran into a mental roadblock. "Wait... Ice cream?"

"Freedom from obligations that were never my own." Ranma elaborated. "It's the only way I see a light at the end--" The redhead paused, cocking her head. "Damn. Parents are on their way out. 'Kane-chan?" Akane smiled and pulled a mallet from behind her back. Nabiki blinked as she looked from one grinning girl to the other.

"_RANMA NO BAKA!"

* * *

_

**Author's Notes;**  
_If you were expecting me to just jump right into a Kuno-Ranma-chan sex scene, sorry to disappointed you ;) Still building plot, so hope like it. Plot, that is. Not many notes here, so until next time... Oh yeah, did I mention this is one story in an -ification trilogy? Saffronification is next and still deciding the third -ification plot. Ryoga comes to mind, but he's kinda cliché. Still, I can make it good. Heheh.. heheh... BWAHAHAHAHAH!_

_Ahem._

It's called 'tipping', Nabs-_ No, tipping isn't considered custom in Japan. It's even an insult. But then, we're talking about Kuno here. He uses Ye Olde English. In Japanese. He throws money around. Consider this part on purpose. _

_Special thanks to **Trimatter** and **DCG**, both invaluable bouncing ideas off of, and of course the excellent Quizer who keeps my stuff on the level.  
_


	4. Chapter Three

Forward: Some consternation has been expressed about switching from flashback to present scenes, and vice-versa. Aside from the line breaks to seperate scenes, changes in chronology will be indicated by **b**old **m**arkup at the beginning. It's the best method I could figure to indicated the change without using something more intrusive, like "FLASHBACK" or "THE PAST" Thanks ;)

* * *

**Kunoification**  
By _Ozzallos_

**Chapter 3 **

**T**o say Nabiki Tendo was not an early morning person was to state a fact so obvious that one would be forced to question the intelligence of anybody broaching the topic in the first place. As such, the middle Tendo did not believe in such euphuisms as 'Early to bed, early to rise' or the ever more popular 'early bird gets the worm'. In fact, she was of the sound opinion that such sayings were adopted by people looking to substitute hard work for their lack of intelligence. Since she had plenty of the latter, getting up early was not only entirely unnecessary, it was just plain wrong; Borderline evil, in fact, which said something about her eldest sister.

Regardless of the aforementioned facts and the potentially malicious nature of one Kasumi Tendo, Nabiki was up early. The exact time had yet to be determined by her sleep deprived brain, but she was certain the hour was somewhere between 'damn early' and 'too damn early'. With natural flow of her universe disrupted, the Tendo had no choice but to brutally slap her protesting alarm clock into submission before shrugging the covers aside to start her new, albeit early day. Of course, there was only one thing all this nonsense about waking up at the crack of dawn could lead to, and that thing wasn't necessarily a good thing. It spoke in monosyllable words and had a nasty temperament, and much like Akane's food; normally something to be avoided at all costs.

Zombie Nabiki.

Very few tended to stay in the presence of Zombie Nabiki for long, as her usually malevolent tendencies toward black mail and extortion were more pronounced during these unnatural hours, assuming you weren't turned to stone after looking upon her bloodshot eyes, frizzy hair, and wrinkled pajamas to begin with. The favored method to dispatch Zombie Nabiki was not, contrary to popular belief, a wooden stake and holy water. After all, she would only rise again the next morning. While such a scheme would have been gratifying to some parties- half the student body of Furinkan High, for example -there was an imminently more effective technique by which to neutralize the middle Tendo: mass quantities of caffeine. In an emergency situation, one could sneak in and main line an IV directly into a major artery, jump starting her nervous system and bringing the girl's brain slowly back to life without the need for an expensive stone slab, restraining cuffs, high power transformer, switching arrays, banks of batteries, lightning rod, and the obligatory thunder storm.

In most cases, the prescribed emergency procedures were entirely unnecessary, as Nabiki Tendo was more than happy to consume the required caffeine products herself. The earlier she got up, the more she consumed, which would explain why a very large mug of freshly brewed coffee was waiting on the table for the shambling corpse to consume as she stumbled into the dining room.

"Oh my, you're up early."

Zombie Nabiki's hand paused mere centimeters away from the mug of joe as she eyed her older sister warily with those dead, _dead_ orbs of hers. It was early and Nabiki Tendo knew what that meant: Evil. She scrutinized Kasumi's smiling visage for another moment while contemplating the possibilities. It could be a trap. But the coffee… Coffee wasn't evil! Or was it? It was possibly the most perfect substance ever created, besides money, and the only reason _that_ won out was because she could use it to buy more coffee. But it was also early. Early was bad, which made this… 'Early morning Coffee,' made by one of those wretched "early birds" no less. Zombie Nabiki considered the thoroughly twisted logic a moment longer before succumbing to the seductive aroma under her nose.

_SLUUUuuuuURRRRP…_

Hot black liquid flowed from the warm mug and into the Tendo's mouth, proceeding down her throat and into her stomach where it was promptly metabolized into something more useful, much like a vampire would find blood useful; that is to say, life giving. Fortunately for Nabiki, the mug in her hands required neither supernatural guile to seduce nor fangs to dispatch. In other words, the beverage's chances of surviving its encounter with Zombie Nabiki were less than a plate of food surviving its chance encounter with the giant panda currently residing in their home.

For those of you just joining us, that would be zero point zero percent, with a zero percent margin of error.

This ritualistic sacrifice was repeated seven times before something akin to life was reignited within the Tendo's eyes, banishing the dead, bloodshot orbs in favor something resembling intelligence, but no less bloodshot. With her brain operating somewhere above room temperature now, Nabiki turned to the foremost matter on her mind: why exactly was she up so damn early again?

"You're getting lazy, boy!"

"Back off, ya old Panda!"

_Ah yes, _Nabiki mused darkly, now that that particular portion of her brain were capable of such musings. _That's why I'm up_. The girl briefly entertained the thought of an eighth mug, but decided against it. As the inviting black liquid was, it was a double edged sword; a balancing act, Nabiki rationalized as she sat up from the table and moseyed to the open sliding door that looked out upon the dojo courtyard. Drink too little and she'd be lucky to survive the day, let alone stay awake. Drink too much and she ran the risk of burn out, and a burned out Nabiki was almost as bad as a Zombie Nabiki, save the fact that she retained just enough awareness to make decisions. _Bad_ decisions if the past was any indicator. Bad decisions cost her money, which explained her need to closely monitor her caffeine intake. Especially today, as she couldn't afford what a bad decision might cost her.

The first rays of dawn were only just now cracking the deep indigo horizon, slowly banishing the shadows of dusk and night as two blurs danced between them. Nabiki's eyes tracked the figures, one black haired teen and another balding, round elder. Perhaps 'dance' wasn't so apt a descriptive after all, and she mentally redressed her assessment of the pair. It might apply to Ranma alone and performing a kata by himself… or _herself_, she corrected, given the new dynamic she learned of last night. What she saw in front of her now was hardly a dance. 'Indiscriminate grappling' was probably a better term, she decided as the pair charged into one another, cut loose with several martial arts combinations and disengaged. Wash, rinse, repeat.

All in all, it was a fairly boring scene for the Tendo and she was half tempted to seduce another cup of coffee when the inevitable happened. In retrospect, she wasn't sure if he let his guard slip on purpose or if his father just got a lucky shot in, but Nabiki now watched intently as Ranma executed a summersault into his old man, only to have it countered and swept aside. Genma's arm deflected the inbound foot wide and responded in kind, pushing his own leg into Ranma's torso at high speed. Given the power, vector, and speed involved, there could only be one landing zone.

_SPAALOooooOOSH!_

The redhead was up out of the pond instantly without the traditional "whaddya do that for" and it was in that moment that Nabiki decide that Ranma had let her guard down on purpose. Even in her sleepy state, that single fact rippled across her awareness, chaining together with last night's revelations. Ranma Saotome, man among men, didn't mind being a girl. Not only did he not mind being a girl, _she_ had taken to it quite well. Well enough to befriend Kuno and allow him to court her. Akane was also complicit in the entire sordid affair. All three parties were open and honest about the situation with her now. They also knew that she would most likely use said information as a high source of revenue in the very near future, and now… Ranma had let his father get in a shot; a shot he _knew_ would send him into the koi pond.

_Before school._

A slight chill seeped through Nabiki Tendo's soul as father and daughter re-engaged, the pigtailed girl now pressing her father hard with a new found speed and nimbleness. _Today's the day_, a small voice whispered from the back of her head, instantly burning away any remaining fatigue more effectively than a quadruple shot mocha-latte could ever have hoped to accomplish. The middle Tendo rolled the thought around in her head with a new found clarity as Ranma continued to unleash brutal combinations into her father, who was still unsuccessfully trying to goad her with insults. _You wouldn't…_ Nabiki whispered to herself and began to formulate a plan. The timing was going to be tricky. Only an hour and a half until school with no advanced preparation or ground work. Contacts would have to be informed. She just knew those three were going to play merry hell with the odds today.

Nabiki's urge to reach for the nearby phone was interrupted by Genma Saotome and the peppering insults he was directing at his son-turned-daughter. Sure, he was getting the pants beat off of him, but that didn't stop him from using them as a distraction technique. It was one in particular, however, that stopped Nabiki's hands from ever reaching the wall mounted telephone.

"That was pathetic, Ranma!" The balding martial artist taunted, barely intercepting the redhead's fist in time while expertly masking the pain it produced in his forearm. "Maybe that body suits you after all!"

"Maybe it does."

Genma's eyes widened with the response and that was all it took for Ranma to shift gears, opening Genma's guard like a buzz saw on crack. One moment, Genma was tracking his son through the attacks; the next, she was a red blur. Everything after that was a blur, in fact, as the follow on strike slammed into his body, blowing him across the dojo and into the koi pond. What was once an Anything Goes master was now a giant soaked panda, sitting in its shallow depth.

"Cheater!" the oversized Panda waved the wooden sign with an irritated expression evident across its features, assuming one was proficient in interpreting the moods of giant marital arts panda. Regardless, it declined the invitation to rejoin the fray and instead produced another sign. "What do you have to say for yourself, worthless girl?"

Ranma favored the soaking Panda with a benevolent look and smiled. The smile chilled both father and middle Tendo alike.

"Be careful what you wish for, old man."

* * *

"That was on purpose, wasn't it?" 

Ranma looked up from her dresser to find Nabiki standing in the doorway of her guestroom. She finished buttoning the final clasp on her red silk shirt and sent the Tendo a put out look. "Jeez, Nabs. Ever hear of knocking?"

Nabiki Tendo had, of course, heard of knocking, but she charged premium rates for that particular privilege and would have happily quoted them if the question were not largely rhetorical in nature. After a moment under the Tendo's gaze, Ranma shrugged. "Yeah, you caught me."

Nabiki stepped in, taking her admission as a silent welcome. Whether it was or not was an entirely different story, not to mention something largely irrelevant to the Ice Queen anyway. "Why?"

"Think you know the answer to that already." She watched as Ranma walked over to the nearby closet and stoop on her tiptoes, fishing around the upper most shelf for something. A moment later she was back to her normal height, having successfully retrieved a small, plain white box. Even if Ranma's standard red and black silks hadn't confirmed her hypothesis, the terse reply all but did.

"You're coming out today." It was simultaneously a question and a statement, to which the martial artist simply smiled. "At school." Nabiki continued, not necessarily believing the conclusion she had come to herself. But here was Ranma, books on her bed and getting ready for school, as a girl. Seeing no objection to the contrary, the mercenary shook her head in awe. "Oh my dear Lord. You're serious."

"Don't see why not." Ranma, admitted, fingering the small box in her hand. "After all, you're gonna sell the information anyway, right?"

Nabiki blinked. The word 'duh' came to mind, but she managed to refrain from speaking it aloud "Well, of course."

"Right." The redhead confirmed the obvious nature of the fact and continued. "So Tachi and I talked it over last night and decided now was as good a time as any."

"Okay." Nabiki nodded, accepting the fact. "But why?"

"Damage control, mostly." Ranma thumbed the top off the small white box, setting its top gently on the dresser before pulling a thick, glistening strand from the container. Nabiki watched it sparkle in the morning light that flooded through the rooms open window and instantly knew it was gold. White gold. Expensive white gold. "Tatewaki brought up a good point after ya left… If we just let you do business and stand by passive and all, things are going to get worse faster than they get better. Probably just spiral out of control like everything else."

"And…?" Nabiki's eyes were now picking out tiny sparkles of light grafted between the interwoven strands of gold Ranma was now applying to her neck. Diamonds. The Tendo twitched unconsciously. RanmaSaotome… with a choker.

_And she's going to wear it to school. _

Ranma looked away from the dresser mirror and noted Nabiki's silent boggling with an impish grin. "Like it? Tachi got it for me a few months back." Nabiki Tendo produced the barest of nods and she continued, "Anyway, we figure if we get a jump on the shit storm that's waitin' for us, we can at least spin it while you do your thing." The impish smile faded slightly. "But a shit storm's still a shit storm."

Nabiki simply shook her head, but agreed. "And going down there with that thing on isn't going to make your life any easier. Hell, once the school body sees that…" her voiced trailed off and Ranma simply shrugged.

"Tired of hidin' it." The girl stated, hefting her book bag across her back and lead Nabiki out into the hall. "'Cides, you know me."

"No, I _thought_ I knew you." She corrected, earning a chuckle from her redheaded counterpart. "But yes, I know. Suicidal death wishes are just about on par for the martial artists of Nerima."

The pair trotted down stairs and Nabiki was only mildly surprised to find Akane waiting for them with a pleasant smile_. Goddamn partners in crime_, she mused darkly. The smile widened as the glistening white gold and diamonds came into view. Ranma cleared the final step as Akane leaned in for a closer look, fingering the woven gold as her friend angled her chin up to provide a better view.

"OOoooh, you weren't kidding when you said you had a surprise." The youngest Tendo stared in wide eyed amazement. The smile remained as she pulled back. "Now I can see why you were keeping it a secret!"

Nabiki schooled her features into a neutral expression, as she was long past asking just how long Akane had known about Ranma and Kuno's relationship, let alone little details like insanely expensive diamond studded chokers. Besides, the answer was liable to make her head explode anyway. She couldn't afford that, today of all days. Even Akane and her cheerfulness was damn near a freak of nature.

Akane gave the necklace on last admiring glance before stepping over to the door. "Ready?"

Ranma opened her mouth, but paused. "Just a sec, be right back." She stepped deeper into the house, finding Soun and Genma chatting pleasantly over tea while Kasumi tidied up around them. The eldest Tendo looked up from her cleaning and smiled. The smile quickly turned to befuddlement when she picked out the redheads crucial change in wardrobe. Smiling herself, Ranma discreetly motioned with her head to come over while the old men continued their chatter.

"Um, Ranma… Is that a…?" Kasumi leaned in, hesitantly poking at the necklace around her neck.

Ranma simply nodded. "Don't worry. Fill ya in later, Kas-chan." She looked over Kasumi's shoulder to find the Tendo and Saotome patriarchs staring at them. "Just want to let you know the house could be seein' some action later on today."

"Action, Ranma-kun?"

"'chan', Kasumi." Ranma correct, causing the daughter to blink rapidly. "And by action, I mean fiancées, fathers, mothers, old perverts… The whole nine yards."

"Oh my." Kasumi put a hand to her lips, clearly receiving the implied meaning behind the redhead's words. "Does this have to do with what's been happening between you and Akane lately?"

"Everything, Kas." Ranma admitted, causing Kasumi's expression to waiver uncertainly. Seeing this, she continued, "But don't worry. Everything's gonna be alright." The eldest simply nodded with Ranma's assertion until she spoke the next words. "Just messy. Very, very messy."

"Ranma?"

The martial artist simply smiled at her father and gave the trio a nod. "Off to school. Ja-ne!"

With that, Ranma was gone, leaving a still confused Kasumi and two curious parents in her wake.

"Um Kasumi…?" She broke out of her dazed state to find Genma stepping to her side. "What was that around my boy's neck?"

* * *

Three girls now made their way down the streets of Nerima at a leisurely pace as they walked to that last bastion of educational hope known as Furikan High School. As far as schools go, and contrary to popular belief, it was actually one of the better ones… As long as one could overlook the insane principle, ki vampires, and of course, the martial arts mayhem that ensued on a regular basis. To some, this was unacceptably abusive to the students in attendance. To others, it was a dumping ground for the problem children who didn't fit in elsewhere. 

In reality, it was motivation.

Bad haircuts? Extortion? Blackmail? Martial arts challenges? High energy Ki blasts? Insane kendoist? 'Prepare to die, Ranma?' Simply put, nobody wanted to be held back a year to repeat their classes in academic purgatory, which meant that Furikan High's graduation rates and grad point averages were some of the best in Japan. The unfortunate side effect of this chaotic pressure cooker was that Furikan also tended to imbue its graduates with extreme behavioral aberrations, producing more mad scientists, evil magic practitioners, and megalomaniacal CEOs than the average high school.

Oh, and super powered martial artists; can't forget those.

"What was that all about with my sister?"

The question just happened to be directed at a martial artist of the super powered variety, who in turn looked down from the fence top she had been transferring. Since two of the three Tendo sisters were present at her side, the third pertaining to Nabiki's question could easily be deduced.

"Just givin' her fair warning." Ranma commented easily, hopping down to their level with a flip. "She deserves that much. Probably more."

"Definitely more." Akane agreed in all seriousness, leaving Nabiki to feel her way through uncharted territory once more. The middle Tendo had suspected that her little sister was confiding in Kasumi for some time now, but exactly how pivotal of a role she played in this surreal drama was as yet unknown. That was okay. School was still a good ten minutes away. Even though it wasn't enough time to subtly draw the information out of the two, she sensed there really wasn't any need to tiptoe around the topic and instead went for the direct approach.

"Does she know too?"

"Uh-uh." Akane shook her head. "Pouring my soul out to her several times a week was burden enough, let alone what she already carries…"

"…_and_ involve her in this mess?" Ranma's eyes widened, clearly aghast at the idea while agreeing with Akane. "Not a chance."

"Heck, she doesn't even know me and Dai…" Akane's mouth simply stopped working from Nabiki's point of view, then snapped shut. The middle Tendo looked from her sister to Ranma, who was now chewing on her upper lip.

"Dai-what, little sister?" Nabiki's eyes narrowed, and Akane's face melted into clueless ness. The sister's focus sharpened further as a little piece of last night's dojo conversation snapped into place. "Or rather, Dai-_who_?"

Ranma came to her rescue before the interrogation began in earnest. "One crisis at a time, Nabs." Then to her surprise, the Saotome reached back to her pigtail and untied the Dragon Whisker binding it. Free of restraint, waves of shoulder length red hair cascaded brilliantly in the morning sunlight. "'Cides, I already called dibs on this one."

Nabiki missed Akane's chuckle entirely as she simply stared at the girl transforming before her very eyes. It had been in discrete steps, she realized, starting with the morning's sparing session. There, she had seen Ranko, the parody of a tomboy mistakenly given a girl's body. Part and parcel with that image came Ranma's usual Chinese silks. Then she wore the choker, sending ripples across that tomboy image. Now her hair was free and flowing in the slight breeze, distorting that tomboy image further. At this rate, Nabiki wouldn't be surprised if it shattered by days end, which only left one more question…

"Exactly how much is that thing around your neck worth, anyway?"

* * *

**D**eep breaths. 

The redheaded martial artist held her stance, focusing on nothing but the wooden practice post standing before her. It was wood. Really just wood. It was not, in fact, the visage of her fat-ass father whom Ranma just found had sold her out _again_… To a wandering martial artist who _just happened_ to be traveling though the Quing Hai providence of China nearly two years ago in search for his long lost son.

Ranma Saotome's muscles cramped as she fought to maintain the kendo form. Rage sang through her brain as the target dummies' head took on the face she knew all too well.

Selling her out was nothing new, Ranma amended as she fought down the urge to lash out indiscriminately at the dummy via the art she had been trained in since she could walk. Even the negotiable instrument of sale wasn't all that surprising to the Saotome, who had not even flinched when informed that his- now her -hand in marriage had been bought for a kettle of hot water. No, what was surprising was _whom_ 'he' had been sold to; that is if the word 'surprising' could be used to express insult, rage, shock and horror simultaneously. Apparently, the deal was such that once the wandering martial artist found his son, he and his daughter would find Genma and seal the arranged marriage.

Needless to say, the father finally found his son yesterday.

His newest fiancee's name was Yoiko.

The family name was Hibiki.

Ranma trembled and fought to channel her violent urges into controlled focus, stepping forward in two exact steps and unleashed upon the straw dummy. The blurring lines represented three precise strikes, cutting through her target's head, torso and the wooden post that would have been its legs. Compared to Anything Goes, the results were rather unspectacular. Two steps and a flash of movement was all that represented her attack and the dummy stood fast before the stoic girl.

But only for a moment.

The practice blade in her hand was wood. The target was straw bound to a wooden post. Under normal circumstances, the wood on wood interaction would have rebounded off one another with a force more than sufficient to indicate a successful strike to the wielder. Normal, however, did not adequately describe the damage Ranma Saotome was able to inflict upon the target with her bokken and the wooden dummy promptly parted into three discrete segments, clattering to the floor. She held the striking stance for another few moments, allowing her resentment to bleed away into something more manageable before relaxing to consider her handiwork.

_God forbid, maybe Tatewaki was right_, Ranma mused, wallowing in the irony. If there was one thing she was when it came to the art, it was a perfectionist. It was easy to be an angry perfectionist with Anything Goes. In fact, the art almost encouraged the unrestrained violence and improvisation it begat, which had been the upper classman's point all along; Chaos bred chaos, causing her art to overflow into her actions and life. _Irony, hell_, she snorted. It was _sickeningly_ ironic that her chief rival was now slated to be her brother in-law, let alone the fact that her mother was fully backing the initiative.

About the only good to come from that particular incident was the look on Ryoga's face.

It was _priceless._

Regardless, the controlled release of her anger over the last few weeks was somewhat calming as she let her life's frustrations ablate off the discipline the kendoist art required. It was, in its own way, a soul of ice technique. Unlike Cologne's soul of ice, however, the focus wasn't upon maintaining a cold emotionless state. The focus was to channel that emotion into controlled bursts, and Ranma's perfectionist nature served her well in this new art, pushing that self control to its limits. It was a hard-won victory and even though this newest crisis was pushing her patience to the limit, she simply did not know how to quit. It was perhaps the one favorable aspect of training under her father-- The word 'fail' had literally been beat out of her.

The pigtailed girl briefly considering slaying another target dummy off to her right, but shook her head. There was no need. The effort that was required to maintain the form through her emotional tempest had thoroughly drained the Saotome, and she opted to instead walk over to the weapons rack and replace the wooden blade with its cousins. This particular bokken would need replaced soon, as she had abused it fairly well in the early days of her stress management. Ranma gave the marred and pitted stick a fond smile before grabbing a towel that also hung off the same rack, wiping away the moisture on her forehead that was born more of stress than physical exertion.

She was about to set the towel back in place when she paused, awareness rippling through her being. She glanced over her shoulder to find a cat faced ninja kneeling in the doorway of the gym.

"What's up, Sasuke?"

The direct address prompted the diminutive Ninja to look upon the redhead directly as opposed to averting his eyes to the floor. "If the Mistress is finished with her exercises, I have had servants prepare a washroom so that you may freshen up."

Ranma face took on a look of annoyance as she stepped away from the rack. "You know damn well I ain't no Mistress, Sasuke. I'm a guy, Kuno and I ain't datin' and we sure as hell ain't doing _that_, so come off it already."

"Regardless," The ninja countered, never leaving his subservient crouch. "Master Kuno favors your company and I shall accede to his wishes… until such time your condition becomes more… _obvious_ to the Master."

Ranma simply rolled her eyes. "Don't hold your breath. One of these days yer gonna have to tell me just what kinda hold somebody like Kuno has on you."

"Perhaps." The ninja returned noncommittally before steering away from the topic. "The servants know of your… _distain _of warm water and have prepared the guest washroom accordingly."

"Gee, _thanks_."

"I shall pass along your approval." Ranma could have sworn she saw the barest of smiles on the Ninja's face and adopted a bland look as he continued. "When you are ready, Master Kuno desires your company in the main lounge."

'_Desires_'. Ranma shivered with the word, even though she knew the meaning behind it was fairly innocuous. 'Master' Kuno had been tiptoeing on eggshells around her since she laid down the law weeks ago and likewise, she was becoming use to his flowery mode of speech. She dug her toes into the blue practice mat that lined the room's floor. 'Desires', as in a requesting her presence. Nothing more. Right. The ninja nodded and was gone as silently as he came, leaving Ranma to wonder just how skilled he actually was. Half the time she could sense the mousey retainer and the other half… She shrugged to herself. In either case, the clumsy servant was hardly a threat.

Guestroom three was a familiar sight to Ranma by now and her feet silently rejoiced as they sank into the deep shag of the neutral beige carpeting. It was the closest suite to the gym she normally used, and as much as she hated to admit it, she was actually starting to like the opulent luxury the room exuded. Every piece of furniture was solid wood. While it wasn't something she was an expert on, it was a rich dark brown and screamed expensive whether she was looking at the dressers or the 'simple' intricately carved end tables. Even the bed simply screamed wealth, from its wide cushioning surface to the near ceiling height headboard; also made of the same rich wood. The thick spreads called to her and Ranma had no choice but to acknowledge just how wonderful they would be to crawl under even if she had absolutely no intention of doing so. _That_ would cross a line. She was here to simply clean up and leave a measure of chaos at the door, not sleep in one of Kuno's wonderfully comfortable beds under soft lighting.

It had been a _long_ day.

The Saotome stared at the bed longingly for another moment before sighing and heading to the back of the room and the waiting washroom. Like the suite to her back, the washroom was simply enormous by any standards she had to measure. It was literally the size of the Tendo living room _and_ kitchen, well lit and stocked with every amenity one could hope to use while soaking, primping, dressing… whatever. Soaking was another no-no however, though another thing she could really use at the moment. While a cold water wash down was the last thing her sore muscles needed now, the _very_ last thing she needed was for Tatewaki, Kodachi or the household servants to find a male Ranma Saotome on the premises.

The redhead simply shrugged off her Chinese silks and kicked them into the corner before moving through to the inner washroom and the elaborately decorated wash basin that waited. The copper eagle head water spout before her was the epitome of wealth and bad taste. She took another look at the steaming furo only a few feet away and frowned. Elaborately decorated or not, a cold wash hardly compared to a nice long soak. The act itself was over and done with clinical efficiency. Few people wanted to spend their time under buckets of cold water and Ranma Saotome was no exception to that rule. Rinsing, soaping up and rinsing again before returning to the main bathroom wet and cold for her trouble. She stepped back out onto black marble with a towel and paused, eyebrow arched. Hanging from a nearby hook was a new red Chinese shirt and matching black tangs. She padded over to the fresh clothing and looked back into the corner where she had recently discarded her clothing.

They were gone.

"You've _got_ to be kidding." She mumbled to herself, fingering red silk. They were like new. In fact, they _were_ new. Brand spankin' new. And almost exactly like her silks of old as well. There was one minor difference, however, and she ground her teeth down when she noticed it. Her boxers were missing. Replaced, actually, by a bra and panties. "Somebody's in line for a serious ass kickin'" Ranma growled, balling her fists tightly for a moment, then let the anger seep away. She was getting better at that really. It was even harder to fault the person more than likely responsible for the transgression.

As if bidden by her very thoughts, the restroom door clicked open to admit woman clad in a classic black and white maid outfit complete with frills and white stocking. She was somewhere in her late twenties by the Saotome's estimate, with shining, black locks curling around her pale face and framing green eyes. The woman made no apologies for the intrusion, nor did she even bat an eye over the fact that she had just walked in on one completely nude Ranma Saotome. Instead, the redhead received a generous bow and kindly smile. "I pray that the replacements are satisfactory, Lady Saotome. Your previous wear was in quite a deteriorated state."

Try as she might, the nude girl simply couldn't work up the anger to necessary to rebuke her and instead opted to nod dumbly. The woman was like Kasumi, though in some ways worse when it came to her irresistible nature. But then, new clothing that looked exactly like her old stuff wasn't the end of the world. "Uh, yeah, Yoko. Looks okay to me, I guess."

"Excellent." She clasped her hands together. Even her eyes were smiling now. "The local vendors were inadequate for the task, so I was forced to import your style."

"Eh… Import…?" Ranma blinked, only vaguely aware that she was standing nude before her very own personal servant. Early on, the woman's total and willful obliviousness to her state of undress had caught the martial artist off guard, prompting her to scramble for cover any time the maid entered at an inconvenient time. In the end, it just happened so often that covering up just became more trouble than it was worth and Yoko's pleasant detachment went a long way to putting Ranma at ease… or at least somewhere in the vicinity of grudging acceptance. Besides, they were both girls and this was supposedly her job. Still, something about importing her clothes was vaguely disturbing. Such as importing them from where, exactly?

"From China."

Ranma very nearly chocked on her own tongue right there. "China?!"

"Of course." Yoko nodded in all seriousness. "I shan't have the Lady wearing cheap imitations."

"Eh… Right." There really was no use protesting. The last two weeks had taught her just how tenacious the woman could be when it came to discharging what she perceived as her duties. The discussion just to convince Yoko that she wasn't _required_ to dress her had been tedious enough. Instead, Ranma turned to the next topic of consternation, fingering the handing bras and panties. "And _these?_"

Yoko's pleasant smile slipped ever so slightly. "Are far more comfortable than your previous… _undergarments_. They are Chantelle, after all."

"Chantelle. Right." Ranma repeated without a clue as to what Chantelle was beyond being a thorn in her side. Under normal circumstances she would have just vaporized the creamy garments and their hints of lace with a low power ki burst and claim they were very comfortable regardless, but her keeper was here and she knew what was coming next.

"Let me help you into those."

"Really I can do it myse—" Ranma's protest went little further than the first few words before being cut off by a stern look from the maids green eyes.

"Nonsense. This is my duty and I shan't be found neglectful." Yoko slipped the bra off the hanger and brought it to bear.

The pigtailed girl was barely suppressing the twitches that came with the implied threat. "No, really. I can—"

The panties came off their hook next. "And I shouldn't want Master Kuno to hear that you haven't been properly serviced."

"C'mon, I won't tell if you w—Hey!"

The woman was around her with a speed her slight frame belied and before she knew it, Ranma's arms were being guided through the cream shoulder straps and her breast captured within soft cups. Two clasps later and the deed was done before the martial artist's normal defensive measures could even begin to come online, leaving her blinking as her bosom adjusted to its new position. Yoko held the panties out with her pleasant, unyielding smile.

"Next?"

* * *

"Seriously, 'Tate, ya need to talk to Yoko." 

Tatewaki Kuno's hand stopped mid-stroke, denying the canvas bound stork a major flight feather. He set the brush back onto the colorfully smeared pallet with a soft click and turned his full attention to the girl entering to his back. Her words prompted a frown and he cocked his head curiously. "Indeed, what is this problem with my esteemed Servant, fiery Goddess?"

Ranma strode into the study in a huff, barely noting either the soft music that played in the background or overly indulgent form of address. Her left hand tugged at the opposite sleeve to illustrate the problem clearly. "She tossed out my stuff and bought me new clothes!"

"Surely not!" His eyes widened. "They were not of the highest quality then?"

The question caught the pigtailed girl off guard. "Well, yeah they are, but that's not the point! She bought me panties and a bra, too!"

"Are they not comfortable? Your sizes?" Tatewaki pressed, determined to find the source of the girl's angst. "While it is true that I hath provided Yoko with a generous expense account intended toward your well being, I doth expect it be spent responsibly."

"Well yeah they fit, but…!" Ranma's argument abruptly faltered as it became clear exactly where the conversation was going. "That's not what I mean!"

"Excellent." Tatewaki nodded with satisfaction, ignoring the redhead's consternation. "Yoko-chan is quite reliable in that regard."

"But she keeps insistin' on dressing me!" There was the slightest hint of pleading in martial artist's voice now, like that of a person fighting a lost cause and knowing it.

"It is heartening to hear thus." Kuno nodded, removing himself entirely from the cushion he sat upon. "Perhaps I should include a bonus in her next paycheck along with your praise."

Ranma Saotome simply rand a slight hand through her red mane and grabbed a tuft in exasperation. "Yeah, sure. Why the hell not. Give her a raise while you're at it."

"An excellent suggestion."

Ranma simply groaned, realizing she really ought to know better by now. The Kuno mansion was, after all, a sanity free zone. Of course, there were worse things in life than being pestered by your own personal servant looking to cater to your every whim, she amended, and most of them were outside beyond the mansion gates. Parents, fiancées and the possibility of Ryoga becoming her brother in-law were certainly among them.

"And I see that thou have ended your exercises early." The upper classman segued easily, breaking her self loathing train of thought. "Hath thy tensions diminished to more endurable levels?"

"Ha! As if!" The redhead laughed bitterly, taking a seat within Kuno's study. It was a large, plush burgundy velvet chair and it had rapidly become one of her favorites when it came to chatting with the kendoist. After all, she might as well get comfy if she was going to endure his rambling. "Found out that Ryoga's slated to be my brother in law. That's not even takin' into account what they got planned for his sister."

"Ryoga…" Tatewaki scratched his chin thoughtfully, trying to recall the name. "You mean the barbaric swine-boy, do you not?"

"Heh, that's him alright. good ol' P-cha…" The syllables dropped off and Ranma's eyes widened ever so slightly while a look of incredulity seeped across her face. "Waitaminute… You _know_ about Ryoga's… problem?"

"Only a fool could miss such an affliction, and I assure you Tatewaki Kuno is surely no fool!"

"No. Of course not." The stunned Ranma nodded agreeably. Just how long had the stick swinger known? The Saotome's thought process was running well into the redline with the revelation when another unpleasant thought occurred to him. "Uh, see any other, um, cursed people runnin' around I should know about?"

"The peasant Chinese of the Cat Café are among the afflicted as well, to my knowledge." Kuno reported, all but leading Ranma by the hand down her path into the twilight zone. "Sasuke keeps detailed records of their activities."

"Eh…" Ranma was forced to moisten her lips as they seemed to have dried suddenly. Detailed records… He knew about all the other players, which could mean… "And what about Ranma Saotome?"

"A fowl sorcerer, without a doubt!" the upperclassman's ire rose immediately with the question. "I shall smite him for the injustices laid upon your sweet bosom! The Gods must assuredly weep for such a—!"

"I _AM_ RANMA, YOU TWIT!" The redhead exploded as Kuno wore down the last measure of her patience. "I'm a guy! One hundred percent guy!" She grabbed at the hot tea steaming on a nearby end table.

_Splash!_

"The foul sorcerer!" Kuno's eyes widened as Ranma transformed to the object of his hatred and she grabbed the pitcher of melting ice next to it, up turn it and numerous cubes bounced off her head and onto the floor. Residual water splashed and he became a she once more. "The pigtail girl!"

Ranma stood before the dazed boy. "Now do ya see…?"

"I… I see." Kuno blinked, taking in the wet girl. Definitely stunned, she noted. Maybe this time she had gotten through. Sure, it'd most likely deny her a safe haven from the chaos that rained down upon her regularly, but it was a win-win either way in her opinion. If he saw the curse for what it was, that would be one less person trying to date her. If he continued true to form, well, she still had her hideout. Maybe he would—"I see that the foul sorcerer is attempting to gain purchase on your soul!"

_Then again, maybe not._ The martial artist fell back into her plush seat in defeat as another stab at reason ablated of Tatewaki's delusional armor. "Dammit, 'Tate…"

"Indeed, he attempts to dissuade my aid by projecting his ghastly visage through your purity!" Kuno was flailing wildly now, pulling the ever present bokken away from the nearby canvas he had been tending. He raised it before Ranma herself with no small amount of flourish. "Fear not, vivacious pigtailed goddess, for he will not succeed. My dispensation of aid shallt continue regardless of his meddling!"

"Riiiight." Ranma shook her head and shrugged. True, he still wasn't getting it, but the very fact that he could actually perceive the change was a small victory nonetheless. And if she played her cards right… "So does that mean you don't mind seeing him around now?"

"Truly, the sight makes me wretch, but I will resist the effort to smite such an illusion on sight," He calmed, studying the pigtailed girl. "I would ask, however, that you resist the sorcerer with all of your might, my goddess."

Ranma arched an eyebrow. As if. "And why would I want to do that?"

"As you may know, my twisted sibling is quite enamored with the dark magician." Tatewaki elaborated solemnly. "It would not do for her to think that this chimera he projects upon your person is actually he himself. I fear the results would be quite… _unwholesome_." Ranma blinked. 'Unwholesome' was certainly one way to describe Kodachi's desires for her, not to mention a _very _compelling argument to 'resist the foul sorcerer'. Kuno noticed the girl pale and nodded. "I see you understand."

Ranma also nodded, pushing back into her seat in an unconscious bid for emotional security. There was no doubt in her mind that if it came down to it, anything involving Kodachi would also most likely include thorns, drugs, ribbons and various other… _aids._ Tatewaki Kuno watched the unconscious shiver and smiled gently, returning the wooden sword to its resting place near the canvas stand. "Fear not beautiful pigtail girl, for I shall protect both you and the tigress Tendo from the malicious designs of my sister and Saotome."

The comment seemed to shake Ranma from her uneasiness, allowing her to project a glare at the kendoist. "Ya really gotta stop that."

"Stop what?"

_Clueless_, she snorted mentally and elaborated. "Ya really gotta stop the whole me or Akane thing."

"I do not underst—"

"Alright, let me spell it out for ya." Ranma continued, leaning onto the edge of her seat. "Chicks don't like the indecision crap. Take it from me, it causes more trouble than its worth. Ya can't just go around claimin' ya love two at the same time."

The look on Kuno's face was that of one trying to comprehend rocket science. "It is thus? But how?"

"Chicks get jealous and when chicks get jealous, they fight." The redhead explained, encouraged by the fact that her audience of one was so receptive to the concept. "Not only that, but they tend ta make your life a living hell in the process so do yourself a favor and stop it."

"But…"

"But nothin'" Ranma cut him off, denying him the chance to insert his own illogic into the conversation. If she could just get him to see it from her angle… "Ya just don't go around yellin' that you love two chicks. Take my word for it. I'm an authority on this one. It'll get you beat, drugged, hated, misunderstood if not all of the above."

The upperclassman dropped quietly to his stool, and began to rub his chin, deep in thought. "And I have been behaving thus?"

"Well, duh." The redhead deadpanned, mildly annoyed that it wasn't already obvious. A slight shuffling from behind distracted her in that moment. Ranma leaned around the enormous armrest to find a smartly dressed butler entering the study with two towels, one a plain white, the other a dark forest green draped across his arm and a dustpan in the other hand. The older man stepped up beside Ranma with a kindly smile and offered her the fuzzy green towel while retaining the plain one for himself.

"Your towel, Lady Saotome."

Ranma stared for a moment before realizing that was her cue to take the towel to dry herself off. Heck, she was wet so often due to the curse that she barely noticed anymore herself, but the mansion staff _did_. That would leave the remaining towel and pan to clean up the mess she made for Kuno's failed lesson. "Eh, sorry 'bout that, Hosho."

"Think nothing of it, Lady Saotome." He was already bending down to pad the carpeting dry; he then proceeded to collect any errant ice cubes with the dustpan. She put her own soft towel to use and wiped away the tea and water from her skin, occasionally dabbing her hair and clothing to remove the excess. The servant was done at nearly the same time and he bowed, taking the green towel and disappearing back from whence he came.

A fond look crept across her face as the study door closed once more. Damned if towel service wasn't handy. Nice old guy too. Didn't ogle at her or anything when she had a soaked shirt either. She smiled slightly at the thought, then turned back to Kuno. "But like I was sayin' it ain't just the girls either. Polygamy went out with Edo, ya'know?"

"I believe I grasp the portent of your words, my crimson beauty." Tatewaki returned, clearly taking her words seriously by the look of concentration writ across his face. "I shall endeavor to be more decisive in the matter."

Ranma Saotome opened her mouth to rebuke the upperclassman once more when she realized that he had just agreed with her. _She was actually getting through to him?!_ Recent experience had shown her the guy was smart, if screwed up, but to actually have made progress in such a critical area was quite surprising. Still, experience was a harsh mistress to her and the martial artist sniffed doubtfully. "I'll believe that when I see it." There was a slight pause and the way Tatewaki was staring at her intently began to unnerve her. There were definitely gears grinding in that brain now. "What?"

"Just… Nothing, my fiery goddess." The mask of concentration flowed away and he smiled with the change of subject. "We were talking of your day before thee became sidetracked."

Ranma stared at him for another moment. She wasn't sure what, but something had just fundamentally changed. Still, Ranma knew she was better off quitting while she was ahead, so she took the boy across up on his offer to change the subject, dropping into friendly conversation mode as she had become habit over the last couple of months. It really was surprising what useful information and advice could be found within his skewed take on life, almost enough to make conversing with the guy a pleasant, stress free event. And if that failed, it made for great comedy regardless. "Yeah, well, I'm worried about Aka—eh, another person too. She, um, just broke up with, um, somebody and I'm tryin' to help her out."

"Ah, the ails of a broken heart." Kuno nodded sympathetically. "One must question the wisdom of the poet writing on the ideal that it is better to experience love lost then none at all. Truly such an event is tragic in itself."

"Ain't it the truth." Ranma leaned back and relaxed as she stepped back into the familiar territory of friendly conversation. "And damned if I ain't responsible for a good chunk of it too."

"A dilemma to be sure." Tatewaki agreed. "So you have wronged this acquaintance, then?"

"You could say that." Ranma admitted. "Not on purpose, just… well, a bunch a things got in the way. Can't just sit back and do nothin' again, but I'm not sure how to handle it."

The kendoist simply nodded noncommittally and took a sip of tea from a glass that Ranma hadn't managed to spill earlier. He stared at the last remnants of steam drifting up from the china cups' liquid contents for a moment and then nodded once more, as if coming to a decision. "Then perhaps reparations are to be made."

Ranma cocked her head with the suggestion. "Reparations?"

"I know from our relations that you hold honor dear to your busom, pigtailed goddess," Kuno elaborated. "For it is one of the reasons I find myself irresistibly drawn to—"

"The point, bokken-brains."

"Of course," Tatewaki acknowledge the rebuke as his cue to remain focused, something thought to be a miracle to many outsiders that the girl could even illicit such a response from the boy. "Like the samurai of old you find yourself in a debt of honor, one that must be repaid. Such amends will help heal this scar that looms across your friendship."

Ranma simply stared. He was right. The fact that he was right was less surprising than the fact that she was continually finding valuable insight beneath the layers of delusion and insanity. Oh, sure, one had to dig for it. Excessively dig for it at times, but normally what she found was quite insightful. It was also one of the reasons she even tolerated his company—There was actually a person in there. Somewhere. _But not just tolerate it_, she admitted somewhere in the back of her mind. Amidst all the chaos and upheaval her life was experiencing these days, Tatewaki Kuno was pleasant company. Diluted company to be sure, but pleasant, and there were damn few people on that life's list.

God forbid she was actually considering the guy a friend.

Ranma shook the thought away. She could deal with that later. MUCH later, and her mental focus returned to Kuno. "So what kind of reparations do you—"

The door clicked open to interrupt the conversation, admitting one Kodachi Kuno. She strode elegantly past Ranma's chair and found a similar one opposite of her person. After smoothing her long black skirt down, she sat, producing an arrogant smile for her audience's benefit. "Ah, I see you are finally through indulging in your brutish pastime."

Ranma scowled slightly. "Poison any small kids lately, Ko-_chan_?"

The smile sweetened. "Not purposely, of course." She paused as the familiar form of Hosho stepped into the room with a china tea set on a silver platter. The servant skillfully balanced the platter on one hand and served Kodachi with the other, then proceeded to refresh Kuno and Ranma's tea before bowing slightly and disappearing from sight. The Kuno sibling took a sip and resumed her witty repartee. "So, will the peasants of Furikan be participating in this year's Rhythmic Gymnastics competition, _Ma-chan?"_

Ranma's cheek ticked slightly, but she managed to suppress her irritation for the most part as the pair engaged in their ritual opening banter. "As if I care. Not like Hebrick's could present much a challenge anyhow."

"And would you like to place a friendly wager on that statement?" The gymnasts' gaze narrowed and the smile became downright predatory and Ranma recognized the attempt to bully her through financial superiority. It was hardly the first such attempt, she noted absently and deflected it as if it were another martial arts technique.

"Don't think so." The redhead snorted. "Last thing I need is you cheatin' by putting' half our team in the hospital, then have 'em all whining to me to pick up the slack."

"Merely a product of the inferior quality of your sports clubs." Kodachi chortled ruthlessly.

"Hey, let's put your old man in charge of _your _school and see how _they_ do." Ranma returned fire and even Tatewaki off to the side winced. Kodachi's mouth opened to reply, but words failed her. That was when Ranma noticed the hard glint gone from her eyes and knew in that moment she had gone just a bit too far in their saber rattling. One look over at Tatewaki's face revealed the same pain. "Uh, damn… Look, sorry 'bout that Ko-chan."

The girls' eyes gained a measure of edginess. "And just what do _you_ have to be sorry about?"

Ranma sighed, shoulders slumped. While it was true that Kodachi wasn't anywhere close to what she'd call a friend, the last thing she needed to do was go around and stick her grubby fingers in other peoples old wounds, and she knew from Tatewaki himself that the subject of their father was an _old _wound_. Especially_ when those wounds hit so close to home. "I… Look, my old man is a bastard too. Guess it ain't my place to be talkin' about yours."

"Hmmf." Kodachi sniffed, as if the topic were one of mere annoyance. "And what makes you think I care for either your contrived rambling or your father?"

Ranma rolled her eyes at the front Tatewaki's sister put up. "Look, just sayin' that I know what you're goin' through. Not that I care or nothin'."

"I sincerely _doubt_ you do." Kodachi returned dryly. "And I suppose that I am now expected to engage in some inane prattle concerning which one of us has the worse father."

Ranma looked over the girl clad in black for another moment and shrugged. "My old man wrapped me head ta toe in fish sausage and tossed me in a pit of starving cats."

"I _see_." Kodachi glared and stood up. "Then I accept your challenge."

* * *

**R**anma Saotome couldn't help but to smirk as Akane helped pick her sister off the ground for the second time. While Nabiki Tendo wasn't a martial artist by any stretch of the imagination, she normally wasn't prone to stumble about and the redhead was taking a certain perverse satisfaction in watching the middle sister practically fall over once more. But then again, a little payback never hurt anybody, she amended. Even Akane couldn't help but to smirk at the girl's dazed state upon finding out that the necklace Ranma was currently wearing priced well into six digits. 

The Tendo regained her footing and shot a look over at the redhead comprised of equal parts irritation an awe. "You're enjoying this _way_ too much."

"Mmmhmm." Ranma nodded with a grin. "Did I mention how many diamonds it has?"

"Several times." Nabiki glared.

"As if you care." Akane resumed her place next to Ranma with amused countenance.

"True." Ranma admitted. "It's the thought and all that, y'know?"

Akane nodded agreeably while her sister dusted off her skirt irritably. Why did wealth always seem to be wasted on the unappreciative? Nabiki considered the question for a moment as she studied the redhead next to her and felt a small measure of regret. For passing Ranma off to Akane? Not. Using her for profit? Nah. Sandbagging their later engagement? Hardly. No, that regret was squarely aimed the girl's newly acquired access to Kuno's wealth. Nabiki's train of thought sidetracked across her more devious nature as she briefly considered stepping in and stealing the upperclassman for herself, thoughts that were quickly shut down by the fact that not only she would have to cozy up to Kuno- hardly an appealing prospect in itself –but deal with Kodachi's potentially violent opposition. If that weren't enough- and it was –Ranma herself had gone from known factor to wildcard. There was no telling just how far a predominantly female Saotome would go to protect her… _interests_. Ranma all by herself was an easy mark. Ranma with something to lose was never _ever_ somebody to be taken lightly.

All in all, it was just a bad idea, Nabiki quickly decided. It was in everyone's best interest if she were an ally to this budding romance, not an adversary. Besides, there was more than enough profit in that role all by itself.

The trio rounded the corner and the gates of Furinkan came into view, along with the various other students looking to, or dreading the start of their daily education. Among these were the regulars, the crowd that stood by each and every morning just to watch what chaos the arrival of Ranma and Akane would instigate. At the top of that list was normally the beat-down of one upperclassman, of which the students took particular delight in. Occasionally a sparsely dressed Chinese Amazon or some other shapely fiancée would involve herself, drawing yet more of Furikan's male population out. It had become quite a side show in Nabiki's opinion, one she worked with ruthless precision every single day but today.

As they approached the gates and the regulars, a couple of girls separated from the crowd and moved to join them. The taller one's gaze shifted uncertainly from Nabiki to the crowd behind her and back. "Are you sure about this boss?"

"Yeah," The shorter one with longer straight hair agreed with an equal measure of uncertainty. Her gaze flicked from Akane to Ranma and lingered, noting the necklace. "They're starting to ask why we aren't taking the bets."

"You didn't tell 'em?" Ranma asked, her thin red eyebrow arched with mild surprise. Even Akane looked somewhat shocked.

"I only bet on sure things and today you three are _far_ from sure things." Nabiki explained then returned back to her subordinates. "If we take even a yen today, we'll regret it." Ranma looked at the girls and shrugged, continuing forward with Akane. Nabiki stepped aside with her girls, who continued to stare with rapt curiosity. Instead of providing them with a clear answer, she simply mumbled, "Sit back and enjoy the show, girls."

"PIGTAILED GIRL, I BESEACH THEE!"

Ranma and Akane stopped three meters from the gate as Kuno stepped out from behind the wall in his traditional gray hakama, bokken in hand. The crowd around them backed off as what appeared to be morning tradition got underway. Akane separated herself from her redheaded partner and Ranma affected a weary sigh. "Whaddya want, Kuno?"

"To free thy fiery beauty from the grasp of the evil sorcerer Saotome!" The upperclassman proclaimed, slicing the wooden sword through the air with flourish.

"What else is new?" She returned rhetorically. Ranma put an impatient hand on her hip and the weary look was replaced by one of irritation. "Can't we try somethin' else for a change?"

"Perhaps we shall." The bokken wavered from its bearing slightly and his head tilted, as if thinking on the matter. After a few more seconds of silent comtemplation, Tatewaki's attention seemed to snap back onto the girl. "A kiss!"

Ranma did a double take on the Kuno. "A _what?!_"

"A kiss shall break the spell!"

"Well ya ain't getting' one!" She belted back, balling her fists. "In fact, yer gonna have to kick my ass first!"

The bokken came back up. "So be it! Much as it pains me to do so, it appears I am forced to extract a passionate kiss from your sensual lips by violent means! I STRIKE!"

What followed was a scene that nearly everybody in attendance had seen many times before. Kuno's blade came down through a quick arc and Ranma was already inside its length, dodging the initial slice. Students watched as the pigtailed girl dodged, weaved and jumped in and out of the kendoist's attacks. Few noticed the strand of glistening sparkle around her next, refracting the morning light and the few that did dismissed it as either a trick of the eye or yet more of the easily dismissible chaos that frequented Nerima on a regular basis. Nabiki glanced over to Akane, studying her younger sister, the collaborator. She wasn't sure which was more unnerving at the moment—the fact that she managed to keep it a secret for so long or that she was still playing the part of the annoyed, jealous fiancée. Her face continued to flicker with emotion for the world to see; aggravation, resent and general annoyance. Nabiki shook her head, kicking herself yet again for having missed the boat so badly. Akane had said it herself last night… All those acting classes paid off.

"Is it 'Beat on Kuno Friday' already?"

Two more people joined their small group, looking on as the redhead continued to taunt the steadily frustrating upperclassman, who had yet to land a blow of any sort. Daisuke chuckled at his friend's comment. "What are you talking about? I thought that was everyday."

"True." Hiroshi smiled, watching Ranma back flip out of the Kuno's range before reengaging. "It's always open season on Kuno."

Ranma's friends, Nabiki calculated almost unconsciously as new variables came into play. Did they have a part to play in this? She watched as the pair joked and pointed at the martial arts antics and mentally scolded herself. _Now I'm jumping at shadows_. Keep this up and I'll start believing I'm the only one out of the loop, she reasoned. If Kasumi barely knew what was going on, chances are friends like Hiroshi, Daisuke, Yuka and Sayuri didn't have a clue. Movement off to her right snatched the Tendo's attention away from the conspiracy theory to find a new girl with long black hair dressed in the Furinkan males' uniform, immediately identifying her to Nabiki as fiancée number two. She nudged her way through the crowd and stopped beside the middle Tendo, pulling paper yen from a wallet.

"What's running on my Ran-chan, today, Nabi--

"Pools are closed, Kuonji." Nabiki cut the fiancée off, pushing the proffered money back to Ukyo. The girl simply blinked and the middle Tendo fought the urge to roll her eyes. Yeah, it was killing her too.

"Then what's going… on?" Ukyo's voice trailed off into a curious tone and Nabiki watched as the chef's eyes widened. After a moment of silence, a queer smile began to spread across her face.

"Kuonji, you still with me?" The sister arched an eyebrow and the smile grew. Ukyo pointed subtly over her shoulder and behind her. Nabiki followed the pointing finger and turned around, only to have her own eyes widen involuntarily. There was Hiroshi watching the fight. Behind him was Daisuke. And Akane. In close proximity. _Very_ close proximity. In fact, one could accuse them of… _snuggling!_ Daisuke was directly in back of Akane with his arms wrapped around her possessively while she too watched the fight. Nabiki tried to keep her jaw from hanging open but failed. Yuka and Sayuri weren't fairing much better, off to the side gawking, but she could hardly blame them… _Which is why, unlike everybody else, fiancée number two is smiling_, Nabiki realized as the pit in her stomach grew. It was almost reasonable to assume, after all, that Akane had made her choice and that choice wasn't Ranma. Logic following, if Akane was no long in the game, Ukyo herself probably had the best shot at Ranma's hand in marriage. Nabiki just shook her head. She would have been the same conclusion if not for a few unpleasant revelations over the last forty eight hours. In fact, she almost felt a twinge of pity for the girl, pity that manifested itself in the most unlikely of manners.

"Kuonji… Don't."

Ukyo turned her smile back onto Nabiki and her poker face. "Don't' what?

"Don't get your hopes up." The smile faded ever so slightly as her meaning was clearly conveyed. Nabiki motioned over toward the dueling Saotome and Kuno. "Take a close look at him… Her."

The Okanomiyaki master's head swiveled on to the fight and watched Ranma dance through the kendoist's attacks. Most of the attention was still on the fight, but Akane aside, little seemed out of the—"Uh, what's that around Ran-chan's neck?"

"_What the hell are you doing, man!?"_ Nabiki spared a sigh of relief for the distraction as the hissed question reached her ears. Both girls turned to find Hiroshi staring at his friend and Akane with bug eyes. "Let her go! Ranma's gonna kill you if he sees that! And I don't mean just kill. I mean martial arts pretzel suicide kill!"

Yuka had also finally found her voice. "Um, Akane… don't you think…"

"And now for my final attack!"

All attention turned back to the fight as Tatewaki Kuno stepped out of melee range suddenly, pointing his bokken squarely at his redheaded opponent. Nabiki could barely suppress a groan. It was all orchestrated. They had orchestrated the entire damn thing. Not just the fight. That one was obvious. But critical information was being released in measured shockwaves by the trio, shockwaves that were designed to bury their audience under one stunning event after another. _To leave them a nonsensical gibbering mess, I'd assume,_ Nabiki thought in an acerbic tone.

"Well then make it snappy. School starts in five." Ranma retorted impatiently, facing the boy as if she hadn't been dodging his attacks for the last ten minutes.

"Indeed I shall!" Tatewaki Kuno suffused, swiping his bokken low and to the left. "Prepare yourself!"

"Yeah, yeah." Ranma returned, clearly bored and studying a spec of dirt in her fingernails. "Let me know when—"

Kuno, blurred forward at speeds the crowd never thought possible, forcing Ranma to evade on what looked to be pure reflex, jumping out and away from the sword thrust. This time the upperclassman managed to sustain the rush and stay with the Saotome as she backpedaled through the evasion. In fact, some of the more observant students were noting that the upperclassman had ceased trying to hit Ranma with the wooden sword and seemed content with merely pursuing her through her flips and rolls. The redhead feinted right and circled off Kuno's flank, but the boy recovered quickly, shutting down what could have been an avenue of attack hastily before retaking the offensive. He moved through his own feint, pushing just ahead of the girl's movements and sidestepped one last time, putting his body directly into her path. Nearly every eye on the ground of Furinkan widened as Ranma ran into Kuno, a force which the upperclassman absorbed easily and transformed into a soft embrace in order to keep the martial artist from falling over on her own momentum. The moment hung in time as they stared at one another while the entire student body stared on in disbelief over the fact that Kuno had actually managed to catch Ranma.

The kendoist leaned forward, dipping Ranma back slightly in the embrace. They were face to face now and there was no mistake as to his intentions. "I shall now dispel the curse."

The words were soft and the kiss was even softer. Tatewaki Kuno closed the last remaining inch and pressed his lips to Ranma's, who seemed rather stiff in the improvised embrace. The crowd gawked. There was nothing else they could do. Even the stray teacher wandering by couldn't help but to stop and stare as the insane Kuno attempted to ply his lips to another unwilling female. Oh, sure, his inevitable death was a foregone conclusion. After all, everybody remembered what happened Mikado during the Charlotte Cup skating competition. Somehow, Ranma's female lips had been caught yet again and if past experience was any indication, the offending male was about to die. Horribly.

The girl's rigid body slackened and the crowd cringed. An arm freed itself and began to move toward the upperclassman. This was it: The beginning of the end of Tatewaki Kuno. No amount of money would save him now. The police would be lucky if there were— The earth vibrated as jaws began to hit the ground one after another. One arm snaked around the kendoist back, securing the girl's hold and pulling the pair loser. The other snaked _up_ his back where Ranma's delicate fingers found his head, running them through his dark hair and deepening the kiss further.

Nabiki had suspect something like this was coming. Heck, she had all but _known_ it was coming, but that didn't stop her from eating dirt like half the students around her before the pair finally came up for air, staring at one another longingly. There was absolutely no mistaking the intimacy in their gaze toward one another. Nabiki shook the facefault off and fought to tear her eyes away from the passionate pair. A quick glance over to her sister revealed a satisfied smile on her face, similar to the one worn by Daisuke, who was now nuzzling her neck.

"That was nice." Ranma murmured as Kuno pulled her back upright. She wore her own satisfied smile, one clearly seen by the awed audience.

"Truly, but you _did_ let me win." He stroked her cheek affectionately and the girl shrugged.

"Maybe, but we both got what we wanted." Ranma smiled and gave Tatewaki a soft peck on the cheek before disengaging from the embrace entirely.

The school bell chimed the commencement of school, yet nobody moved. Instead, it signaled the eruption of total chaos.

"What was _that?_!  
"Ranma LET Kuno kiss her?  
"Him! Ranma is a him!"  
"That didn't look like no guy on guy kiss to me!"  
"That's gross!"  
"I'm not sure if I should call that romantic or just puke my brains out."  
"No, romantic. Erotic even."  
"In front of everybody!"  
"So what does that make Ranma now?"  
"Insane. He… SHE kissed Kuno of all people."  
"Ranma's always was a little weird."  
"I'd be weird too after half the stuff he goes through."  
"She."  
"But… KUNO?!"  
"Drugs. Gotta be drugs."  
"Maybe a bump on the noggin."  
"Temporary amnesia?"  
"No way."  
"Seriously. I knew this couple who got stranded on an island and lost their memory."  
"You're making that up. I vote alien experimentation."  
"But they lost their memories and shacked up, only to remember later that they were—"  
"I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!"

_WHAM!_

A giant spatula whistled through the air and came down in a lethal arc, forcing Ranma and Tatewaki to separate before either was cleaved in half. The edge dug itself into the ground halfway and an almost feral Ukyo stared on the pair with a look that would have melted… well, just damn near anything.

"Uh, Uc-chan…"

"I'll deal with your drugged, alien experimented amnesic ass later, Ran-chan." Ukyo hefted the combat spatula out of the ground and turned it menacingly onto the Kuno. "But first, this jackass _dies._"

"I'm sure I we can explain—" The upperclassman never got a chance to finish his sentence as the lethal cooking implement streaked through the air his head had previously occupied only moments ago. It would have been neatly removed from his shoulders too, if not for the hasty step out of range.

"Shuttup!" the spatula carved through the air once more as she advanced on the boy. "First you're going to tell me what drug, spell or magic necklace you used to seduce my Ran-chan. _Then_ you die. Painfully. And in many, _many_ pieces."

"Dammit, Uc-chan, it was my choice!" The spatula froze. "Been datin' for about three months now!"

The Okanomiyaki master turned slowly back to the redhead even as the crowd twittled with the new information. "Three….?"

"_Months._ Of my own free will." Ranma confirmed, and a mixture of sadness of fury met her eyes.

"But… How… It's…" The chef's spatula dropped to the earth edge first, managing to remain upright on impact. "But… _Kuno!_ You'd rather have Kuno than _me?!"_

Ranma opened her mouth to reply, but was preempted when Ukyo felt a gentle hand on her shoulder. She turned around and found Akane with a somewhat sad, serene expression. Holding her hand was Ranma's own friend, Daisuke. The mob continued to gasp scandalously at the sight.

"It was never going to work, Ukyo."

"But… but!" Ukyo's head whipped from Akane and over to her fiancé. "It could have! I would have made it!"

"I thought that once too." The youngest Tendo nodded as Ranma walked over. Tatewaki wisely maintained his distance. "But none of us had any choice in the matter. Not me, not you, and least of all, not her."

"Ranma's a _him_, dammit!"

"I haven't been a him for a while, Uc-chan." Ranma shook her head with a resolute sadness that was more for the girl in front of her than herself. "That stopped being bearable a while ago."

"It would have been!" Ukyo protested, her voice riding the edge of pleading. "We would have had fun together!"

"'Bout as much fun as two people forced together could, probably." The martial artist shook her head. "Face it, Uc-chan, you got too much riding on me. Your family name, your womanhood, your art and your life. You got about as much choice as I do about marryin' Akane."

"Which is absolutely none." Akane inserted her agreement. "The pressure ate what little we had alive. Trust me when I say this, Ukyo, it would have gotten to you too eventually."

"But…!"

"But your old man is just as bad as mine and Akane's." Ranma interjected. "Forcin' you out of the house on a quest for vengeance as a guy? What's that kind of person gonna do to us if we do get together? I'll tell ya—Harp on us and interfere until he grinds our freedom to dust." Ukyo remained silent with the point, prompting Ranma to glance around at the eavesdropping crowd. "Look, let's talk about this a lunch. I owe my best friend the full story at very least."

Hollow eyes looked back at Ranma and the chef looked like she was about ready to protest, but instead simply nodded. Ukyo Kuonji turned away with slumped shoulders and the crowd parted for her, opening a path back to the school building. The redhead's gaze fell to the combat spatula the girl had left behind. "That coulda gone better."

"Or worse." Akane noted, stepping up to her side. "She knows it's true, too."

"Yeah." Ranma nodded. "She wouldn't have left without breakin' a few skulls if she didn't at least suspect it."

Nabiki watched the pair from the edge of the crowd, shaking her head. Who would have thought that baby sister could be so… diplomatic? But then, she was probably right. It was easy to be diplomatic when you didn't have a mountain of pressure pressing down on you, a mountain that Ranma herself had effectively eliminated. Nabiki Tendo shook her head and silently began to formulate her own plans for the remainder of the day. "One fiancee down and two fiancées, one mistress, two fathers, and one mother to go."

* * *

**R**eparations… 

Ranma rolled the word around on his tongue as he walked through the park. Once again, and in his own insane way, Tatewaki Kuno was right again. After nearly two years, two failed weddings and a countless number of dates, kidnappings and duels, their relationship had finally imploded under the pressure cooker of stress. Two years, down the drain. The martial artist gritted his teeth, stepping between the golden shafts of light produce by the trees and setting sun. Ranma Saotome didn't lose, but these last few months were apparently the exception to the rule. It was a fact that he had slowly come to terms with, though that hardly lessened the sting, or the fact that he owed Akane. Big time. She had been relying on him and he failed, consoling in Kasumi while he hid from the world in Tate's mansion. His personal honor had been tarnished and now reparations were definitely in order.

"Yo, Ranma!" The voice broke him from his musings and the pigtailed boy focused on the new figure walking into the park towards him. "Got the note. What's with all the cloak and dagger stuff, anyway?"

"Didn't tell anybody, right?" Ranma pressed back in place of a normal greeting, though he did manage a slight smile at the cloak and dagger comment.

Daisuke studied his friend for a moment, the shrugged. "You said it's important, so it's important." Ranma nodded with the information. Nobody had followed his friend, or if they had, they were far more skilled than even his own formidable abilities detect. "What's up, anyway."

"Got a girlfriend, Dai?" The question came out of the total blue causing the classmate to stop short.

"Is that a trick question, Oh Mister "I've got so many fiancées I could puke"? Of course Daisuke knew that they were a constant source of angst in his friend's life, but that didn't mean he was about to let Ranma off easy.

The martial artist chuckled slightly, kicking a stone at his feet away. The answer was, of course, no, but he had to be sure. Last thing he needed for this was to create another love octagon. There were days when he simply prayed to God for a simpler shape. A mere triangle would be welcome at this point. "Yeah, yeah. Just askin…. So?"

"Not unless you count Hiroshi's magazines." The friend snorted. Ranma's smile vanished.

"That's why you're here and he's not."

Daisuke blinked. This was just getting _odd_. "Oooookay….?"

"Look, what I'm about ta tell ya doesn't go beyond us, got it?" Ranma continued, totally serious now.

"Uh, yeah."

Ranma took a deep breath and focused on the orange sunset sky. "Akane and I aren't… _Together_ anymore."

"WHAT!?" Daisuke nearly fell over. "You gotta be kidding! She dumped you?!

"Ain't and no." Ranma confirmed, leaving the teen gawking. "We both decide it just wasn't gonna work."

"Damn, man. I don't know what to say…" Which was entirely true. Most of Furinkan considered their relationship nigh indestructible, the stuff of legends. They had been through kidnappers, martial arts challenges, fiancées, Amazons, demigods… They had been through it all, and now it was over.

"It was comin' anyway. Probably better this way." Ranma shrugged, failing to convince Daisuke with his nonchalant attitude. "Still, she needs somebody ta help her through."

"Yeah?"

"Somebody who ain't a martial artist. Somebody normal." _Somebody who won't attract the crazies or overshadow everything she hopes to ever accomplish in martial arts,_ Ranma added mentally, knowing full well that external pressure wasn't the sum total of their relationship problems. "Know anybody like that?"

"Half of Furinkan?" Daisuke chuckled. "But seriously, most of the student body worships the ground she walks on."

"Which is why I figure she needs somebody safe." Ranma agreed. "No sports clubs, no mobs, no martial arts dating challenges. Somebody I know and ain't a pervert."

"Sounds reasonable." Daisuke nodded. "Who do you have in mind?"

The smile reappeared on Ranma's lips. He didn't like the looks of it. "I'm lookin' at him."

* * *

**Author's Notes;**  
Thanks for bearing with me as I slowly work us into the meat of the plot. I know, I forgot to turn Ranma into a mary sue nympho again, but I promise to next time. I really don't have much to comment on atm, other than thank you for giving this fic a chance. I estimate probably 2 more parts, three maybe. Then again, it's a fact that my estimates are crap so just assume 10-20 and we'll call it even. 

Thanks to everybody who replied to my plea for an editor on my main ffnet page. I've received a number of emails and will likely rotate through them as to not burn any one person out with my laziness.

Special Thanks goes to TriMatter and McClown and MageOhki, whom I routinely bounce ideas off of to ensure I'm not going off the deep end, not to mention UncleLou for services rendered in the editing and grammar department. Thank you much all yas.

Quote of the Day Trimatter: _my wife is giving me the "feed me" eyes_


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